Friday, August 27, 2010

Toot toot...welcome to struggletown

image from

Today is a bit of a struggle day. I got off the train in struggletown. Today I'm really tired. I am having trouble getting my head around the concept of being so tired that I need to spend the majority of my day lying down.

My head is all up for movement, my body disagrees. I thought the answer to this might be to spend alot of time on the computer. Even though it goes against my intuition that this is neither beneficial for my mind, which has a tendency towards becoming overstimulated, nor my body; let's face it, computer vibes aren't so 'positive'.

Upon hearing that I was feeling restless yesterday and that my parents ongoing discussions about work related matters wasn't helping, my partner suggested (via text) that I'd become an expert mediator over the next three weeks. Mediator? I inquired. His response clarified, he meant meditator. Hmmm. Was that yet another hint? If I had a dollar for every time someone suggested I meditate, perhaps I could afford a trip to Europe next year. Ok, a slight exageration. If I had $1000 dollars for every time someone had suggested I meditate I'd have enough money for a wonderful month in Europe, flying first class and staying in only the best hotels in Paris and the Greek Islands.

I digress. Europe, and in particular, France is a long term dream. I wanted to say lifelong, but I feel that sugegsts I was born with the dream. That wouldn't surprise me, but I can't be sure. The dream of France awoke inside me during Grade 5. Our school decided they would teach french, because LOTE (Languages Other Than English) had become mandatory in all schools. So my dream was borne during French lessons. The making and tasting of croque monsieur and croissants, accompanied by deliciously chilled orange juice was enough to impress this 10 year old country girl. There was also something terribly exciting about hearing someone speak in another language. It's not just any language that impresses me though, only some, perhaps only French. Sometimes I hear another language and it provokes an internal response of something more similar to that of nails on a chalkboard. But not the language 'de France'; it was the most amazing language I'd ever heard and it's my truth to this day. I think it was during my 10th year on earth that I promised myself I would learn to speak this beautiful language as fluently as did our native french language assistant. FYI- I'm still not close, but that's a whole other post in itself.

Look, a whole paragraph of avoiding meditation and talking about something of far more interest. I've become a master of not meditating. I have a 45 minute guided meditation based on buddhist teachings, awareness, acceptance and letting go. I have been playing it most nights. Just playing the meditation track does not mean you're meditating! There is more work for me to do here, I know it.

Yesterday my Mum asked me why I was using my mind so much, she told me I was talking fast. I agitatedly told her that if my body wouldn't do anything then I only had my mind. The wise one inside of me flashed on a lightbulb. She said 'did you just hear that? ok, thank-you, now here's something to work with'. It seems my mind wants to overcompensate for my body; if my body is to be still my mind will do enough work for the both of us. There's no way this mind of mine wants to be still. Would that mean I was dead? I hope it need not come to that.

Stay tuned for how I overcome my biggest challenge yet- calming the mind. In the calming of mind, I trust I shall hear my heart, my spirit will be lifted., grace and presence cometh forward. Oh wise one inside, if only you could show me an easy way to make this happen! this space for how I attempt to make peace with my mind and body and what happens. I suspect it's something like what they say about a certain shampoo 'It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.'

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