Last night I got to sleep without assistance of any pharmaceutics. I am so pleased! Last night I had placed a packet of sleeping tablets and panamax next to my bed; fully prepared. The latter was to deal with the headache I anticipated would greet me in the morning, after having woken with one for the past few days. The sleeping tablets were there in case after an hour or two of meditating and mantras, adrenaline still coursed through my body keeping me awake. This morning I awoke without a headache and felt pleased; I slept naturally and was naturally pain free. I felt a sense of pride in this 'achievement'; I'd not had to take drugs! I quickly shifted into feeling amused; funny how such small things had become so significant this morning. They indicated progress, and less reliance on pharmaceutics, something I value highly. So highly infact that I have only had 2 courses of anti-biotics in my life and have prided myself on not walking through pharmacy doors for a year or years at a time.
This morning I also washed my hair, it just hadn't happened this week yet. I awoke determined this morning to get the job done, I went straight from bed to the shower, nothing would stand in my way. I then returned to my place on the couch, somewhat finding breathing a challenge (apparently another symptom of the thyroid disorder).
One may wonder why I am discussing such seemingly mundane details on my blog....allow me to explain.
It seems important to me to be documenting my progress, or, my journey through this period of time (illness) in my life. To keep track of the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual changes that occur. I've really got very little idea of what is yet to come; but it's about time I started practicing the celebration of small achievements. The doctor tells me I can expect another three weeks of being capable of little more than lying on the couch and flicking through channels.
It is no accident that my body has stopped still. I feel as if it is telling me 'don't you dare take one more step in that direction, lie on this couch until you get real, wake up and listen to your own knowing.. your desires.'
My body is wise, from much prior experience it knows that once I'm well I have a tendency to push harder, want more and go faster. This goes hand in hand with less acknowledgment of my achievements and diminished acceptance of where I'm at. My body knows I could go into a place of more wanting; less satisfaction. It is not fulfilling, and apparently, it does not sustain the mind, the body or soul.
I want, no, I need, this blog to keep me honest- to help me stay on track, or should I say get on track? I feel that by writing regularly, dare I say every day, I will have to be aware of how I am. I will need to be more conscious of what happens every day. The realisations I have, the progress that is made and how the challenges serve me. I believe each day is a gift. My intent is to not reject this gift just because I'm unwell and couchbound. I don't want to dwell in hopelessness or why me? I can let them visit, I will welcome all feelings and thoughts and graciously accept them, because they too are part of my experience. But to dwell in the boggy quagmire of such feelings alone, gosh, three weeks of that would be creating my own personal hell. I now choose to consciously and graciously accept each and every day as a gift, accept myself as I am, how I am, and whatever is here right now for me.
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