Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The pull

I've had my longest break between blogs ever. During the past two months I haven't completely forgotten about the blog, or that the answer is writing, but other things have kept me occupied and I haven't been feeling the pull to write like I was.

In my case, no news has pretty much been good news. I have been too busy living, stepping foot outside my door kind of living, to have the time, space or energy to write. I've also been busy enjoying communication and time spent with new and old friends; which has created a space for me to process things. Until recent months this blog was essential in creating space for me to process and come to terms with things while I was ill. It was like there was so much stuff coming up for me that I needed an outlet available 24/7; I was spending heaps of time alone (on the couch) so a blog was the perfect companion. I also felt like it was important to document things; as much for myself as for the possibility that my experience might help others through their own struggles.

So I'm not sure what's happening with the blog, I don't know if it has a future, I'm not feeling any great pull towards writing- though I know that this is sure to return at some point.

With all the change and development happening around getting back into work my focus is more on that. I've got one part time job, have applied for another, am establishing a private practice in counselling and have had another job suggested to me. I'm attempting to retain some sense of stillness amid this temporary chaos. I'm also trying to listen carefully to my wise one within, to ensure that I make decisions for my highest good. I've learned so many lessons during the past 18 months and have had moments of such great clarity about what's important in life; I don't want to forget them!

I do feel the pull of forgetting all of that, of switching off and just 'getting on with things' but I can't- thank goodness. I do get confused, sometimes in good health, or average health, it's easy to lose sight of what's important and to become preoccupied with the material world- money, clothes, home, what your neighbours and your friends are doing etc. That stuff has some serious weight to it in a way that feels so hard to resist.

Whilst I'm glad to be spending time back in this 'real world' with 'everyone else' I look back a little wistfully at the simplicity of being ill and the permission it granted me to be able to go inward, to rest, to put myself first and the way it forced me to be open to receiving help. I sure don't want to have to be sick to enjoy these things, here within lies my current challenge, ensuring that I get the aforementioned when I'm in good health, not only when I'm stuck and forced into it. The key is to love myself enough to give myself what I know I need and to do it without guilt or dis-ease, to do it because I am deserving and it's natural. I know that it's going to be essential in my continued increasing vitality and to a happy and balanced me. I'd like to say I'll keep you updated, but I'm not going to make any promises I can't keep- so we'll see huh :-)
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