Monday, July 18, 2011

Me V Me

Tonight I've been in battle, the part of me who wants to forget about everything and drift into peaceful sleep and the part that's calling for an opportunity to express herself. The latter has been calling for some time, and she has also been ignored. She wins tonight, because I was hearing a blog post being written in my head. That's not terribly comfortable or conducive to getting to sleep.

The me who wanted to express and to write also requested a bowl of muesli, her needs for food and expression are both being satiated right now.

Today was a kind of significant occasion. Today I walked down memory lane. I went job seeking, I went to a recruitment company that I'd had contact with before. Last year when I had contact with them I felt pretty awful, but also felt like I needed to get on with my life and that perhaps if I just took steps forward into work I would feel better. Nearly a year ago I was in the recruiter's office for an interview and I missed a call from my GP's office. When I returned the call I was asked to go into the clinic straight away because they'd found something in my blood tests. Anxiety coursed through my veins, I freaked out big time. I texted my Mum warning her that I was on my way to the GP and might need some support after the appointment. I didn't know what they might have found but I kept thinking it could be cancer or something equally awful. After all it would make sense that it was something awful, because I felt like a seriously ill person.

As it turned out I was seriously ill, not with cancer, with something very treatable, a thyroid condition. When my Dr told me, I was both relieved and confused. How had I come to have an overactive thyroid I'd wondered. I also started to wonder what the thyroid did, because I'd never given it any thought before now. I figured it must be capable of doing alot, seeing as it had made me so awfully sick.

So that's what happened last time I left this recruiter's office, today I am gladly reporting no such thing occurred. But it was a time for reflection, I noticed that today when I walked in through those doors of the big city building that I felt a strength I hadn't had last year, one that I'd had to fake last year. I realised how far I'd come and how much had changed since that day. When I walked into the building nearly a year ago I'd believed I was just struggling with a bit of depression (even though symptoms said otherwise), I was employing all of the determination I could to act strong, be brave and 'overcome' my difficulties, I had a will of steel.

Today I took a moment to feel gratitude for being in a very different position, one that places me alot more 'in the know'. I know what was wrong, I know now that I am well on the road to recovery, towards full health and that it's safe to be applying for jobs. I might not feel so flash, but I think this time around it's a combination of general tiredness and feeling the effects of winter..and the effects of stepping back into 'the real world' after being sidelined for a year. I wouldn't blame you for imagining it's just awesome and that I'd be celebrating feeling better and being able to move on.

Unfortunately it's not so simple, I've got this 'story' I have to tell about why there's a 1 year gap in my resume. It's also a little more difficult as I'm no longer connected to the working community I used to be a part of, so I'm therefore an 'unknown' as a result of a geographical move. My confidence in what my body can cope with is not great; I know that it's more than likely that I will have times that I will struggle to find the energy for work. For a while work might be all I can do and the rest of my time might be taken up by recovery and sleep. Illness has changed me on all levels- mental, emotional, spiritual and physical; I am the same, yet so different. It's hard to know quite what that means; the only way to find out is to get back into things. It's daunting not knowing what it's going to be like to be the Sarah I am post illness. I can guarantee it won't be the same. I know there are things I need to consciously change, in relation to how I look at things and how I take care of myself; because they will be protective of my health into the future.

I'm in nervous anticipation of discovering this, trusting that I will cope, facing the issues that come with ongoing recovery/return to full health and dealing with the financial effects of long term unemployment. It's not always easy to see the bright side, but today I was truly grateful for being in a very different position to that of 1 year ago as I walked through the recruiters doors.
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