Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Land of the Unknown

That's where I am right now, the land of the unknown. Today I watched Eat, Pray, Love- a story about Liz, a woman who travels to Italy, India and Bali to find herself and become stronger. I cried during the movie, mostly during the India part, it stirred up emotions from somewhere deep within. As I write this now I feel them again. What was it about India that got me? Liz was 'lost' when she was at an ashram there and she did some hard yards; she struggled with meditation, she scrubbed floors as her selfless service and faced the reality that she needed to forgive herself.

It struck a chord with me when she said was that she was at 'the source' but had never felt so disconnected. I could identify with the feeling of disconnection, one of the most painful experiences a human can have I believe. Right here I could go on a rant about how that leads to addiction; but I feel no need to share information like that. I just want to be here and now and discuss how it feels to identify with a woman who has travelled to 3 very different countries in one year- when I have not spent more than 10 days outside of Australia in my life.

I could see my own experiences and struggles reflected back to me as I watched Liz face her typically western issues. I recognised her struggle to want something more and to find the courage to take the journey. In her I saw my own confusion, pain and guilt and the way 'dis-ease' is created by living in our western 'civilisation'.

Although I live a comfortable suburban life I sometimes feel as if I am trying to find my footing in a place that is foreign to me, like I don't truly belong. Have you ever felt as if you don't belong? Disconnected? It's painful, uncomfortable and a feeling that rarely leaves you alone.

I have been feeling out of place since before I became unwell; in fact my journey of being unwell started before I became hyperthyroid, it started with perfectionism, with buying into how things 'should' be done, by selling out on my true wants and needs to please others and from always wanting more yet never giving what I truly needed to myself.

No one ever taught me how to give myself what I need, nor did they really mention that it was important. When faced with 'dis-ease' in a serious or chronic form it forces the point that we all have needs and dreams and they are not to be ignored. Illness woke me up, nothing like the rug being pulled out from underneath your feet to give you a good jolt. I now believe that nothing in life is more important than feeling fulfilled- what is life without joy, peace and some fun?

It is impossible hard for me to explain to others what has happened to me and how much has shifted internally for me during the process of healing. Sometimes I get really frustrated by it, because I look at the world so differently to most people around me. I now look at life differently and my priorities have changed, big time. I think this is why I feel like I don't quite fit. It takes courage to speak my truth, to own up to where I am at and honour it. Some days I feel like I am all out of courage. Right now I require bucket loads of it, I don't really have a job, I certainly don't have a career, my health is like a precariously balanced see saw and makes things unpredictable...I don't know what I am capable of anymore and sometimes when I push it I fall flat on my face (regardless of the determination).

On the upside I do know I am truly in love, I know I live in a wonderful place close to the sea and that I have amazing family and friends, I am supported and I have faith. I remind myself of how important all of this is and always put things into perspective by reminding myself that the job, money and vibrant health will come, it's just change, healing and strengthening. I am scared, nothing looks the same to me anymore. I feel like I woke up from illness to a new kind of me and a world that seems to be changing. Where do I fit?

Does anyone else relate?

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