Like a normal person

Yesterday I spent the day pretty much like a normal person. When you're unwell for an extended period of time, it's not uncommon to begin to compare yourself to what is 'normal'. Spending the day like a normal person is an exciting experience because it feels so good and it also signifies hope, that one day in the not too distant future you might just feel 'normal' all of the time.

In my mind a 'normal' person can get up in the morning at a reasonable hour feeling fairly refreshed from their sleep (not like they have just woken after a massive night out after just 3 hours sleep). A 'normal' person can get ready to leave the house without tiring, they can eat a standard kind of breakfast without feeling ill or thinking twice. When a 'normal' person leaves the house they feel ok, not like they want to curl up and sleep or as if their eyelids are threatening to close on them all of the time. They also feel relaxed, they don't worry about getting home soon or how sick they feel, they don't think twice about being on their way to a shopping centre because it's just so regular.

Yesterday I felt normal because I did all of the above with relative ease, once I was at the shopping centre I felt a little bit tired but not so tired that I wished to be at home, I was happy to be out. After an hour or so shopping I still felt ok and was still not wishing I could go home to rest, it was an enjoyable experience.

Upon returning home after many hours out and about with the boyfriend I did indeed feel tired, but not so tired that I also felt sick or that I needed to lie down and not get up for the rest of the night. It was a bearable tiredness that was not going to prevent me from feeling ok and continuing being 'normal'. The boyfriend decided he wanted to make dessert for the first time since we have begun our sugar free lifestyles. We decided to try a baked cheesecake, which involved a trip to the supermarket for ingredients. I walked to the supermarket without dragging my feet, as we walked up a slight incline I felt the muscles in my legs kick in and do what they're meant to. Just a week ago this same slight incline would have slowed me down and had me asking the boyfriend to walk more slowly, my muscles would not have 'kicked in' like a 'normal' persons, they would have gone weak and slowed me down.

We made dinner and dessert and enjoyed a nice evening in, because the cheesecake took so long to cook we ended up staying up late to be able to eat it. I was able to stay awake and felt just fine. I had successfully spent the whole day feeling reasonably well- awake and capable. I had been able to contribute to helping with housework, shopping, considering the planning of a mid year holiday and baking. Yesterday I hadn't had to make a choice between using my energy for housework or going shopping or baking, I had been able to do all three and it was a real thrill.

The other 'normal' thing that I did this week was work. I spent one day at work, helping at my parents' business. Do you know how long it has been since I have been in an office for work purposes? About ten months. I have not been involved in any official work or earned my own income (apart from a once off tutoring gig) in that long. It was a huge day for me to be up and ready for a 9am start and to deal with having to sit in the once place all day. I did feel quite tired by the end of the day and was glad that the job was not at all intellectually demanding, but I made it through.

All of this 'normalcy' has been made possible by my thyroid coming into balance, it was just two weeks ago that I was begging my specialist to let me stop taking the medication that was slowing my thyroid down (too much). She agreed that it would be safe to do so, I was going nuts dealing with the symptoms of an underactive thyroid; the worst of which was an extreme fatigue that had slowed me down to a near stop. With that fatigue came alot of disappointment and frustration that I was not yet better or feeling 'normal'. This 'hypothyroid' state was induced by the medication, just to make sure I would not return to the 'hyper' state (aka hell).

My hyperthyroidism was caused by the consumption of excessive amounts of iodine in a so called 'healthy soy drink' that was actually very dangerous. This is very relevant to my recovery, the theory is that once all of the iodine is flushed from my system and my thyroid has found balance it will remain that way.

Just 3 days ago, for the first time since my diagnosis in August 2010 my thyroid test results came back 'normal'. The results of my test go a long way to explaining why yesterday I had a normal day and why last week I went to work and felt kind of normal. The test results also signify hope for the future, that 'normal' days will increase from her on in and from there I will start to have energetic days where I feel completely healthy and then..one day...I will live an energised, healthy and balanced life. As you can see, 'normal' is very important to me.

I doubt I will ever again take for granted how wonderful it feels to be 'ok' and to have my body be able to follow through on doing the things I want and need to, in harmony.

If my thyroid could speak...

Without a doubt I heard my thyroid speak to me whilst writing my morning pages (see yesterday's post for morning page specifics). Do you want to know what my thyroid said? It said 'You push me and I'll push you'. It sounds as if my thyroid threatened me, right? No, it was not a threat, it was a promise. You see my thyroid was actually attempting to befriend me, help me and get me on side. It reminded me of the concept the thyroid story revolves around- balance. Oh how often I use the term 'balance' when referring to my thyroid; 'Hopefully it will soon be in balance' and 'My thyroid's out of balance'. Hint hint, the thyroid is about balance, completely and totally.

I have been reminded, firmly and without a doubt, that if I push myself, if I continue to push the boundaries and see how far I can get, my thyroid will indeed push me back. My thyroid is a powerful regulating gland in my body, it can create great harmony or cause complete chaos. It truly calls the shots on how I feel, how I look, my skin (pimples, eczema etc), my cycles, my mood, my energy levels, my physical strength, how my heart beats and my digestion. That's a whole lot of my body being affected if I decide to take the gamble and 'push it'.

My thyroid does not seek to punish me, it seeks to befriend me, it is a very real guide as to how well I am acheiving balance in my life. Right now my kind of balance looks so very different to the 'average persons'. My mind finds my kind of balance laughable and frustrating, and that's where my mind tries really hard to convince me it knows best and 'we'll show that thyroid who's boss, life will go on, lets go sister!'. My mind can not believe how much rest and nurturing of my Self is required right now and how little 'doing' or 'working' is allowable

My thyroid is kindly and firmly reminding me that this kind of mind chatter is unacceptable and not conducive to good health. To acheive harmony I must listen to my body, my heart and my wise one within. This is the only way to strike the kind of balance I need to experience long term health.

It might sound bizarre, the concept of body parts speaking to us, they often do so just through symptoms and we don't hear the meaning behind our pains and dis-ease. If you could hear what your body was saying to you, what would you be pushed to understand, to acknowledge, to change?

If you desire to know more about what your body is saying to you, I recommend the following books, 'You can heal your life' by Louise Hay has been my bible since I first discovered it years ago, it is a must have on the book shelf.


Anatomy of the spirit is a much more challenging read, if this concept is new to you I suggest starting with Louise Hays work, she makes it easy and enjoyable to read and her book is beautiful and colourful. However, if you're wanting more and up for the challenge of learning metaphysics at a deeper level, try Caroline Myss's book.

My thyroid has inspired me to write more about balance.

You can find out why your 'balance' will look differently to everyone else's on Inner Beam. 

Change is coming



Image from dharmagallery.blogspot.com

I keep hearing from those around me who are 'in tune' that change is coming -and I can feel it too.

Today I felt inspired to start the process of change right here in a very tangible form. So you may notice that The Answer Is Writing has a new look, it's had a nip tuck in places and I've added 'Oriental Love', which is because I simply love oriental things. From time to time I will bring the oriental aspect into my posts; who knows I might just do a whole post dedicated to something along the oriental lines.

More change is likely to occur here, however the content remains the same- unpredictable.

Now is a great opportunity to say thanks to my readers and supporters; writing this blog has helped me to feel a sense of community and I love when people offer feedback or just let me know they're dropping by once in a while to keep up with the latest goings on.

It's also been great to hear from fellow thyroid warriors who have been dealing with all that it entails, healing is certainly a journey and to share in it with others is powerful. So to all of you please do keep in contact and feel free to post comments or questions here; while some of what I share is quite personal I am writing through choice and a sense of empowerment, I feel honoured to share with you. Apart from aiding my own process I also do it to encourage others to reflect and share- so don't be shy.

You might be interested to check out Inner Beam where I am blogging on a new topic (as chosen by Reverb10) every day until the end of the year, daunting and exciting! If you're a blogger or journaler I dare you to try it!

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The answer is writing....cafe reviews?

I've been a little absent from The Answer Is Writing lately, in this case no news does mean good news. I've been feeling a bit better and getting out and about more. I have also been trying my hand at writing coffee reviews on wherespresso.com. Friends of mine have joked that I'd make a good food reviewer, because I am quite fussy about where I go for my food and coffee. I'm less fussy about dinner, dinner is dinner, essential but a bit boring. But coffee,breakfast, morning and afternoon tea and lunch, well they are important to me. I love having lunch out, even better, brunch. It's something I haven't been able to do for over two months for two reasons. A) I was too tired and unwell. B) I was in my hometown where the options are bakery....or bakery, for breakfast and lunch. I never eat at bakeries by choice when I'm in Melbourne, because until I was 18 that was the only choice I had and I've had bakery food up to here. My folks have a coffee machine at home and we sourced my favourite rye bread from the supermarket in the next biggest town, stocking the freezer full of it so as not to run out between trips to Coles.

Eating out in the hometown is a bit disappointing, there isn't a bakery in town that can compare with Mum and Dad's food. Therefore I happily ate breakfast, brunch and snacks at home, when I wasn't drinking coffee I had a delicious chai sourced by Mum at a market. It's called Chai Rocks and can be found at teasetea.com.au; it was so good I went through the first bag in a week and then re-ordered via the net. It's so real that it has whole pieces of star anise and you can see the spices in it, just like chai ought to be.

So I have my favourite cafes around the bayside 'burbs and I decided to write some reviews on them from the couch in the country. The next best thing to being there is reminiscing and feeling like you're there as you mentally scan the cafe, taste the coffee and peruse the menu so as to come up with the words to describe it well.

I've been back in Melbourne for 5 days now and have been to a few cafes, two that I'm new to and one old favourite. The old favourite being Las Chicas on Carslisle St- they do the most amazing chai! With the chai you get one of those special honey sticks in a full cup of honey, it feels truly decadent as you pour the delicious milk from the teapot through the strainer (because it's made with real tea!) and add as much honey as you like to this creamy delight. There's enough tea in the pot to re-fill your cup a few times. I always have it with soy, which gives it a full creamy flavour, but seeing as the Endocrinologist has warned me not have any soy products I am drinking skinny milk :-(. Though it was good it just wasn't the same!

Ok, that's all I have to say, just wanted to let you know that the answer is still writing, I've just been elsewhere. If you're interested to check out some of my reviews here are some links:

http://wherespresso.com/review/il-fornaio-st-kilda-vic-australia/

http://wherespresso.com/review/combicoffee-elwood-melbourne-vic-australia/

http://wherespresso.com/review/the-barn-shepparton-vic-australia/


P.S I got great news on Friday at the specialist, my thyroid levels are down to nearly within the normal range, so while I'm still hyperthyroid I am heading in the right direction. On the down side the endocrinologist wasn't good at listening to me about my belief that Bonsoy has played a role in the onset of my illness, in fact he was really stubborn even though he conceded it was a very real possibility that it was the cause. I found him to be very rude, every time I went to say something he would interupt me abruptly, making it very clear he would not open his mind, nor did he care to hear what I said. I was really frustrated afterwards, so this is the last I'll speak of it here because I just want to be positive, look forwards and let that go. He just doesn't fit with my expectations of a health professional and is now my ex-endo, I am seeing someone else next month who I have been told is empathetic and knows how to listen. I will update here after I have seen my new endocrinologist.

Navigating health systems....trusting your gut.

As I have written about recently, I've been meditating, in order to help myself feel better and to give my body the space and tranquility it needs for healing. However, there's other things apart from meditation that I am doing for my Self as a part of my journey to feel well. I find that discussing what's going on for me with someone who can understand helps alot. It might be a psychologist, doctor, reiki practitioner, naturopath or chinese doctor. As I've written about recently, I have decided not to simply leave my health in the hands of a specialist, but to be pro-active in learning more about hyperthyroidism and the possible causes and cures.

I am trying to support my healing in a really holistic way. Fortunately my alternative health practitioners are open to working with conventional western medicine and employ an open mind and allow their intuition to offer me guidance. I appreciate this hugely, because I know just how powerful intuition can be. I know that science has it's place and is incredibly important; which is why I wouldn't deny it. But I certainly do question why some doctors and specialists are choosy about which science they listen to, I also think critically about the ways in which they come to learn their particular science; who taught them? Who decided what was to be a part of the curriculum and what wasn't? Which pharmaceutical companies are involved in doctor's ongoing education?

I know it's controversial to talk in this way, but I don't expect anyone reading this to share my views, I don't propose to know it all. But I do want to talk about my wonderings about the whole western medicine deal. This has come up for me this week because I called my GP to discuss with her about my belief that my condition has come about as a result of drinking the soy product Bonsoy. For those who don't know, Bonsoy was recalled just before Christmas last year after 10+ people became ill after drinking the product over an extended period of time. The people who consumed the product all had thyroid conditions as a result of the excess iodine. Just one eighth of a cup of Bonsoy contained more than the safe levels of iodine that we should consume in one day. I drank an average of 2-3 cups of Bonsoy a day for about 2 years. She was very dismissive of what I had to say; debating the science of it and telling me that the most common cause of overactive thyroids in young women is Grave's disease.

Ok, Doctor, I may not have a degree in Medicine, but I am thinking that if it is now known that 25+ people know for sure that their thyroids made them sick after drinking Bonsoy, and I don't have a family history of thyroid disease, and I was drinking 24+ times the amount of iodine that I should have in a day for about 2 years, and the medication for Grave's disease didn't work as expected in my first month of treatment...is it not just as likely that excess iodine consumption has called my illness?

My final suggestion to the Dr was that my naturopath believed it likely that I had an excess of iodine in my system. The Dr then completely undermined the field of Naturopathy by telling me that they don't go to University and don't study bio-chemistry. And finally, warned me not to take any herbs from the Naturopath. She said I could see the Naturopath if it made me feel better to talk to her, but other than that, not to take on any advice from anyone other than my specialist. Uh, Dr, I can see a psychologist to talk, I see a Naturopath for a natural and holistic approach to healing and to learn from their wisdom. Just in case anyone is wondering, Naturopath's study for their degree, full time it takes four years.

So you can imagine how I felt after the conversation with the Dr, incredibly disappointed. She was afraid I was going to give up on the western medicine approach and 'go off with the pixies' or something. No, I am an intelligent young woman, trying to learn as much as I can about my condition so as I can make informed choices, because I want to get to the bottom of this and I want to be well! This means I'm going to explore various avenues for my own healing. I also listen to my own intuition and to people I trust around me. Two health professionals suggested I see the Naturopath that I did because they told me she has helped people with thryoid issues before; she is also personally experienced because she works with a western medicine Dr to help with her own thyroid issue.

I don't claim to have all of the answers, but I am definitely asking questions. Yes, I can get conflicting answers and it is sad when someone you like and wish to trust gives you advice that goes against what your believe in and what your gut is telling you. I am choosing to trust myself, while playing it as safe as I can and keeping the people with the knowledge close to me.

For now I don't have lots of answers, but I think all the questions are helping me to get closer. I also feel a sense of calm about things and trust that I am headed in the right direction with the right people. I also trust in myself and ability to listen to my own intution. Intuition might not be in the dictionary for GP's, but I am sure keeping it in mine!

If you've got a thought on this topic, please share them with me, I'd love to hear from you.

P.S Here's a link to find Doctors in your state who have studied at the Australian College of Nutritional & Environmental Medicine. I'm going to find one in Melbourne and see what they can offer, I shall let you know here!

Like The Answer Is Writing? You might also like my other blog, Inner Beam.

The beginnings of my journey with meditation

I'm no stranger to meditation, I used to do it every week at Yoga. I loved it, it was guided meditation so I wasn't really left to wander, my teacher's voice and guidance kept me on track. However I would only meditate once a week, very rarely would I practice on my own. In recent months I have been sporadically listening to a guided meditation on my ipod; it goes for about 45 minutes and I found that after the first few times of listening my mind was complaining 'this is so predictable' and my mind would then wander off, bored with listening to the same thing.

In the last month I feel as if I have been bombarded with suggestions to meditate. Yeah yeah I thought, good idea, intellectually I'm all over it. I have read the statistics, understood the psychology of meditation etc. As I've mentioned before, if I had $1000 for every time someone suggested I meditate I could afford a really amazing trip to Europe, greek islands included! The hassling started to wear me down and my wise one inside was asking why I wasn't listening. I did not have a good excuse. I wanted to be able to proudly state that I do meditate whenever someone suggests it, so I started.

My boyfriend's been doing a mindfulness course through work and has noticed that his daily meditation practice has brought about some very positive changes. I must say I have noticed too, he seems more positive and relaxed and I am enjoying the benefits of that. He's not usually someone to go on about things, he can be a man of few words, so when he started banging on about mindfulness I was surprised. I was quietly pleased that he had become so passionate about something as healthy as mindfulness and that I was not the only one in the relationship that would talk alot about a particular topic. At first it was ok, all the talk about meditation, but as he continued to ask if I was practising the meditation and I continued to feel like a school girl who was repeatedly turning up without her homework, I didn't like it. But the wise one inside of me was telling me to listen and would not allow me to tell him to shut up.

So every day for the past 10 days I have meditated, just by sitting still and focussing on my breathing, when thoughts come I return to my breath and let them pass. Sometimes the thoughts keep coming, often actually. On my third day I went into a beautiful peaceful space for part of the meditation and heard a voice inside saying 'ahhh, this is what it's all about'. That experience helped me to feel motivated to continue.

Aside from the peaceful experience whilst meditating I also noticed something else had changed; my mood. On my fifth day of meditation I noticed how happy and content I felt. It was so noticeably different because the usual feelings of anxiety that arise within were nowhere to be seen. It is a common symptom of hyperthyroidism to experience anxiety, in fact, if left untreated people can become psychotic. It happens because everything in the body is working too hard, the heart is beating faster and too much adrenaline is released into the body. Sometimes the feelings of anxiety are really hard to bear, and often the anxiety can lead to increased fatigue.However, something has changed recently and I am now feeling much more relaxed, I haven't noticed anxiety like I used to. I feel at peace with where I am and how I am. Worries about my health and future don't buzz around in my head and body like they were. I can honestly say that I have had times during the past few days where I have felt more relaxed and happy than I can remember in a very long time. I can just be lying on the couch watching television and notice these positive feelings and feel gratitude for how good I feel.

My circumstances haven't changed much in the last 6 weeks; I still have an overactive thyroid, I am still unsure what has caused it and when I will be well, I am still tired alot of the time, I still have low energy and I am still staying with my parents in the country instead of living life in Melbourne with friends and my partner.
However, the way I feel about all of this has changed, I no longer look to the future with fear. I can accept what might be without stressing over it, but I am also having positive thoughts and ideas for what I will be doing in coming months. These ideas make me feel excited and hopeful; while I still hold in my awareness that there's a possibility my plans will be delayed because of my health. It's not about disregarding reality or potential issues, it's about focussing more on the light than the dark and having the faith that I can do it, that I can manage this and I will be ok. I am not giving up and I am doing all that I can to support my healing. I am choosing to accept what is, whilst choosing sunny thoughts that help me to feel good in the now. There's no tomorrow, there's no yesterday, the time is always NOW.

Resignation...and letting go

One of my readers recently sent me a lovely e-mail sharing her story about her experience with thyroid disease. She asked me about how I managed my work situation back in May (being too unwell to work & consequently resignation). Blog posts from around this time in April and May can be found at Inner Beam; however at the time I didn’t write specifically about how I managed the experience of resigning from my job. I may not have even used the word resignation in the entire blog. Perhaps because it was quite a traumatic experience and at the time I was just trying to cope with what was happening and how unwell I felt. At the time I resigned I felt like the job was taken from me; not by the organisation, but by a higher power or something. I felt as if I’d had the rug pulled out from under my feet with my health and life up in the air. I had been crashing slowly over many months; but when I finally could not go on anymore; when I could barely get out of bed, that was when I stopped going to work.

Here's some background of what was going on in the months leading up to my resignation: I had been in the job, a management role, for only three months. However I had been with the organisation for just over two years. In January I moved house and began a new job in a new location within the space of 4 days.

In hindsight that is NEVER a good idea. Both are stressful experiences, even if they might be enjoyable or positive, change places stress on our system for some time as we adapt. My new drive to work was an hour in heavy traffic; disgusting. I absolutely hated the drive and couldn’t believe what I’d done, yet I didn’t regret moving house or the new job, I just wished the two were closer together.

So there I was, in a new role, with a big job ahead of me, it was a development role with a not for profit organisation and there weren’t great resources. I was also the only one doing my particular role, I was to employ others to help in time. Every night when I got home I thought about work, I had trouble getting to sleep because I was thinking about work. Even when I spent time with friends or my partner I would either be talking about work or thinking about it. I felt overwhelmed by what was expected of me, the faith that others put in me scared me even more- funny that, but it did. I had never really done much of what was required of me in the role; I had experience as a social worker with people or communities presenting their issues to you and then working with them to try to resolve them; but I did not know where to start when there were no ‘clients’ in front of me.

I began to dread each day, I also felt some dread at the thought of the national and international travel that would be integral to my role. Every day I got to work feeling weak and tired, sometimes anxious. I recall telling my boss that I found I wasn’t feeling truly awake until after 10am, I didn’t feel like my usual friendly self. I recalled that in my previous job I had only 10 minutes to travel to work and I would usually arrive ready for the day and feeling friendly. In hindsight I had some very real clues that something wasn’t right. I decided that it was all in my head and that I had to keep on pushing. I think that the more I denied the reality that this job just wasn’t working for me and that my body was really struggling the more anxious I got.

Just over two months had passed and I returned home from a work trip to Sydney feeling awful, I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I felt weak, fatigued, had lost my appetite and was experiencing high anxiety as well as dizziness. I tried to just lay low for the weekend. Come Monday I called in sick. I think it was during this week that I saw a GP. Many tests were run and no answers were found. Yes, my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) was checked. No clues there. I have since found out that thyroid imbalance symptoms often exist well before it will be indicated in the blood. Two weeks later I still felt awfully weak and unwell, so I headed off to the country to stay with my sister for the weekend and to see a holistic health practitioner who uses a bio-feedback machine. I struggled to sit on the chair during my appointment because I was feeling so weak and depleted.

In the two weeks I'd been really unwell I actually managed to work from home in the second week; so I technically only had one week off sick. During that second week that I pushed through and worked I rested a lot on the couch. I really struggled to get through, and could definitely not have made it in to the office. I guess it was my determination that got me through, because as I look back now I think I was crazy to be trying to work and I can recall just how awful I felt.

On the Sunday afternoon that I was due to return to Melbourne (in order to be back in the office the next day) I felt awful and tired and could not cope with the thought of the trip back, let alone the reality that I would have to go into the office the next morning. The thought of my workmates expecting me to return in good health was horrifying, my state of health was so poor, I felt so weak and fatigued. I knew that as desperate as i was for things to be ok, returning to work was not going to happen. I was far from well, I was barely able to go into the supermarket with my sister because I felt so awful and out of it. The thought of returning to work had me in tears; it was around this time that I think I became consciously aware that my job stress was impacting significantly on my health. I also realised that it was unlikely that I would get well if I was only doing it to get back to my job. I could feel my entire being screaming to leave the job, to be free of it, it had been for some time, but I just couldn’t hear because I did not want to know.

On the Monday morning I called my boss and told him where I was and that I was still sick, I explained that I thought I needed a month off to get well and I still wasn’t sure what was going on with me; the only thing I could liken the feeling to was Glandular Fever (I had GF when I was 18). I stayed with my sister for four days until I missed my boyfriend so much that I just had to get back. Before I departed my sister's I warned him that I needed my dinner cooked for me and just needed a lot of rest. He accepted that and I made the 5 hour train trip to get back to him. He greeted me with gluten free spaghetti bolognese, as requested by moi, it was so good to be back to him.

 I stayed in regular contact with my boss, who I had and still have a great relationship with. He requested to meet with me only a week and a half into my ‘month off’ for my 3 month review. I knew that he wanted some answers and I made the really tough decision to resign from the position, because I knew that I could not promise him I would be returning full of energy at the end of the month. He needed this guarantee to grant me the continued leave. Resigning at that point was the best thing I could have done. It was a huge huge weight off my shoulders. That afternoon I felt revived and more energetic than I had in weeks. I met my friend at the local and we shared a bowl of wedges; life felt good.

That energy and sense of relief was to be short lived. The next day I went to stay with my parents and in those first few days with them the reality of what had happened hit me like a tonne of bricks . I think that in the first couple of days after I resigned I was in shock, because now I barely recall what happened. Soon enough the tears came and I started to feel the significance of what had occurred in the recent past. The pain was massive, it was something like heart break. I felt as if the job had been taken from me because of my health failing; I felt I'd had no real say in things, I felt like a victim of circumstance. I no longer see what happened in the same light, I am now grateful that I didn’t live that miserable stressed life, which was a lie, for another minute.

The next few weeks were tough, I came to many confronting realisations and worked to find acceptance of what had happened. I felt incredibly vulnerable and out of control. My health was still very poor, anxiety was high and energy was low. However it wasn't long before I was confident that the resignation was the right choice for me and gratitude crept in for the freedom and relief that leaving my job brought.

I’ve barely spoken about these few weeks of my life, I don’t think I've fully recounted the story to anyone; those who do know it were there for every step. To be very honest, the experience was heart breaking, to lose your health and job concurrently is really tough, but to walk away from an organisation you are passionate about and thought you’d be with for a very long time, that can break your heart.

I believe in the old adage that a problem shared is a problem halved; and that feeling like you're not alone is important for all of us; particularly during hard times. Therefore it is my intention that in visiting this blog you may feel a part of a community and that you are not alone. I hope that those of you who have experienced something similar, or are facing the challenge of walking away from something that is not conducive to your well-being, will draw strength from my story.

Here are my thoughts from earlier in the year, the many questions I asked of myself as I lay sick in bed which were the weeks prior to my decision to resign. http://innerbeam.blogspot.com/2010/04/in-sickness-and-in-health.html

Wishing you the greatest strength to make choices that serve you, that support your health and vitality and bring greater peace and harmony to your life.

If you have a question for me or would like to share your own experience, please leave a comment or send an e-mail to innerbeam@gmail.com

The process of healing

Wow, what a week it has been. I have been staying with my parents for the last month now, the hyperthyroidism has hit me hard and left me incredibly tired, occasionally nauseous and dealing with heart palpitations. On Friday we headed off to Melbourne to see the endocrinologist and to catch up with my GP. On Friday the specialist informed me that my thyroid was still just as over active as ever; which was disappointing for both of us. Surprisingly I coped ok with the news.

Then off to the GP, who I adore, she is my favourite GP ever! She is so lovely and appears relaxed; I am truly grateful to have found someone I trust and can speak openly with. I don't feel like just another number. She takes the time to understand me and meet me where I am at. We chatted about my news from the specialist and all things thyroid related for nearly an hour. It was nice to have her to discuss things with and to normalise all that I'd been experiencing recently.

So the specialist has increased my anti-thyroid medication by double, I have realised that it is my role to not just sit on the couch and take the medicine, but to take an active role in my healing. I am calling people who I think can help and asking questions. I am being encouraged to continue asking questions to truly uncover the cause of my thyroid going crazy and overdoing it. Sarah Wilson's blog has truly inspired me, she has experienced both hyperthyroidism and hypothyroidism; the latter came over 10 years after the former for her. It started out as mine is now, way too fast, and then became way too slow.

My favourite part of her blog post is this:

If I could send a note to myself two years ago, it would say:
Dearest Sarah,  Please, please be kind to yourself. It’s your abrupt, impatient, push-yourself-to-limits approach that landed you here in the first place. Healing will come when – and as – you learn to be kinder and gentler to yourself. This is good news. It’s time to treat yourself well. From Me. x

Well don't I resonate with this! I am learning how to be kind and gentle with myself; to put my own needs first, because if I don't, how is it fair to expect that anyone else will? I could be waiting a long time.
I am the only person who can do the healing for me, others can be there to help, to facilitate, to offer guidance or suggestions, but it is me who must make the choices and discern what is right for me. The learning is all here for me; I have known this ever since I became unwell in April (see the beginnings of this journey here Inner Beam). It seems that I have re-opened to this many times. Sometimes just dealing with my symptoms and how I feel becomes all consuming; but then there comes a point where I come up for a breath and re-focus, re-commit to this journey I am on of growth, healing and forgiveness.

Yes forgiveness. Yesterday I had a conversation about this with a wise woman; she spoke about how different organs hold various emotions. We decided that due to my history of not putting my own needs first and focussing on others, there was surely a part of me becoming mighty pissed off about this. I haven't really been aware of such ill feelings, which means the feelings would be unconscious, they must have been going somewhere. The liver perhaps?

I opened to the possibility that there are feelings of anger and resentment being stored by my liver; that I have not necessarily been aware of, but that my liver or other organs have been dealing with. If you're interested in this concept that we store emotions in our body I can reccomend Louise Hay's 'You Can Heal Your Life' for reading, as well as Caroline Myss's Anatomy of The Spirit, which I am currently reading. I am very interested in understanding such concepts more so and have ensured that I have people and books around me who can help me on this path. Alongside these more holistic approaches to healing I am also continuing with the western medical approach and taking my anti-thyroid drugs.

Today I am venturing to see an acupuncturist, she is a family friend and I haven't been to see her since April, when I first became unwell.  I have been having Chinese Medicine treatment in Melbourne since May and I think it helped to keep me reasonably well, all things considered. I believe it is essential to continue with it,  it is very powerful.

The healing process is a bit like a ball of wool, unravelling and revealing more. Sometimes my thyroid is like a kitten, pushing and pulling on the ball of wool, forcing things to shift and change, more and more is revealed. Sometimes I am the one pulling the end of the string, sometimes it's friends, family, my partner or the health professionals in my life. The process is truly a joint effort, I am grateful for the input of all. Thanks to my thyroid for pushing me beyond my comfort zone, thanks to the family, friends and professionals for supporting me as I am pushed and prodded by this illness. Thanks for being there to hold me and help me to feel safe. I am hugely grateful to my wonderful partner for hanging  in there and being the support that he is in this time. Even though it feels like we've known each other for a long time, the reality is that in the time that we have known each other I have been unwell for at least a third of it. I think he's pretty amazing.

Like The Answer Is Writing? You might also like Inner Beam.

Celebrating the little things in life....on the couch

Last night I got to sleep without assistance of any pharmaceutics. I am so pleased! Last night I had placed a packet of sleeping tablets and panamax next to my bed; fully prepared. The latter was to deal with the headache I anticipated would greet me in the morning, after having woken with one for the past few days. The sleeping tablets were there in case after an hour or two of meditating and mantras, adrenaline still coursed through my body keeping me awake. This morning I awoke without a headache and felt pleased; I slept naturally and was naturally pain free. I felt a sense of pride in this 'achievement'; I'd not had to take drugs! I quickly shifted into feeling amused; funny how such small things had become so significant this morning. They indicated progress, and less reliance on pharmaceutics, something I value highly. So highly infact that I have only had 2 courses of anti-biotics in my life and have prided myself on not walking through pharmacy doors for a year or years at a time.

This morning I also washed my hair, it just hadn't happened this week yet. I awoke determined this morning to get the job done, I went straight from bed to the shower, nothing would stand in my way. I then returned to my place on the couch, somewhat finding breathing a challenge (apparently another symptom of the thyroid disorder).

One may wonder why I am discussing such seemingly mundane details on my blog....allow me to explain.

It seems important to me to be documenting my progress, or, my journey through this period of time (illness) in my life. To keep track of the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual changes that occur. I've really got very little idea of what is yet to come; but it's about time I started practicing the celebration of small achievements. The doctor tells me I can expect another three weeks of being capable of little more than lying on the couch and flicking through channels.

It is no accident that my body has stopped still. I feel as if it is telling me 'don't you dare take one more step in that direction, lie on this couch until you get real, wake up and listen to your own knowing.. your desires.'

My body is wise, from much prior experience it knows that once I'm well I have a tendency to push harder, want more and go faster. This goes hand in hand with less acknowledgment of my achievements and diminished acceptance of where I'm at. My body knows I could go into a place of more wanting; less satisfaction. It is not fulfilling, and apparently, it does not sustain the mind, the body or soul.

I want, no, I need, this blog to keep me honest- to help me stay on track, or should I say get on track? I feel that by writing regularly, dare I say every day, I will have to be aware of how I am. I will need to be more conscious of what happens every day. The realisations I have, the progress that is made and how the challenges serve me. I believe each day is a gift. My intent is to not reject this gift just because I'm unwell and couchbound. I don't want to dwell in hopelessness or why me? I can let them visit, I will welcome all feelings and thoughts and graciously accept them, because they too are part of my experience. But to dwell in the boggy quagmire of such feelings alone, gosh, three weeks of that would be creating my own personal hell. I now choose to consciously and graciously accept each and every day as a gift, accept myself as I am, how I am, and whatever is here right now for me.

The day I found out I had an autoimmune disease

8 days ago I was leaving an interview with a recruitment agency, the interview had gone incredibly well I thought. I felt some pride in having been completely honest with the recruiter about who I am, where I have been and where I would like to go. Even more impressive was how honest the recruiter herself was with me; I felt pleased as I observed her surprising herself at how much she was sharing of herself during the interview. I honoured her sharing, but took responsibility for creating the environment where she might 'overstep' the mark. 'I started it' I said with a reassuring smile.

I left the interview feeling it was a positive experience, but incredibly dubious about the jobs she was suggesting I might go for. I know my CV suggests I might be the ideal candidate for these types of jobs. The problem is that deep down I know that however capable I might be of undertaking such intense social work roles it is not what I want. I don't want to spend my days intervening in families who are underpriviledged, suffering and often due to long term inter-generational patterns of abuse, mental & physical illness, drug & alcohol problems...and the list goes on. I don't even want to fill a paragraph with this talk. Why on earth am I considering returning to such work? I feel it no longer matches my vibration, nor my need for learning & growth.

I had left the interview and stood descending in the lift of this big city building. I experienced polarising energies- that of a positive interview experience where I could be authentic and successful; and opposingly, the dread of actually following through on job opportunities I can hardly bare to speak of. Before I'd reached the ground floor my mobile rang. It was my GP's clinic asking me to come in ASAP. Fear struck straight away. The blood tests results were in and my GP didn't want to wait until my scheduled appointment tomorrow to see me.

I walked into her office after an uncomfortable 3/4 hour wait in the waiting room. I watched her body language and facial expressions for clues of what might be to come. She smiled and told me we had got to the bottom of what was making me so sick. I had an overactive thyroid.

Both relief and concern emerged simultaneously; the concern wondered what this meant for me. The relief came with the knowing that something very physical was happening; that it wasn't my fault that I'd been unable to function 'normally' in the world all year. Or that I'd become so sick in April that I had no choice but to quit my job.

So that was 8 days ago, 4 days ago I saw an endocrinologist. My GP was very handy at pulling strings and ensuring I had specialist treatment as soon as possible.

Today a friend suggested understanding the larger meaning of all of this, of considering what this illness was offering me. I feel incredibly unwell today, too tired to do much more than get off the couch. But I agreed, I knew he was right, and I've been learning about metaphysics for years. I guess I had never really had a serious illness to put the concepts to work.

He made me list 5 reasons why the illness was benefiting me. They rolled off my tongue with little thought. I promised I would write. He said 'yes writing, I feel that you should write it all out, perhaps a blog, then it could help others.' In my heart I knew he was right, I know that 'this' is happening for a reason. I can stay fearful and dutifully take my medication; without any guarantee that the underlying cause or the lessons I need to learn will be revealed or healed.

For many years I have believed in the theory that our body will mirror the imbalances of all areas of our life and once recognised provide potential for growth. I also believe that the way western medicine dismisses this is a major limitation to our healing; for it cannot be truly holistic when it frequently treats symptoms rather than causes. The fact that this diagnosis has forced me to be still for yet another 4 weeks is already doing me a huge favour. I am being prevented from taking a job which inevitably would mean returning to a life that clearly my soul, nor my heart desire.

Today when my friend challenged me about simply taking medication and doing nothing much else for my condition he woke me up. It wasn't easy and in my current tired and unwell state I didn't particularly want to hear that I had more work to do. He invited me to get excited about this and see it as an opportunity. Creating the blog is my first step; I'm putting some theories to the test because I have a knowing inside that he is right, perhaps I just wandered off track for a little bit, no blame, no judgment, it is what it is. Let me try to have fun with this! There is more here for me. The answer is writing. The answer is listening. The answer is Trust. So here goes...

2/11/2010 Note: While I was initially told I had Graves disease which is an auto-immune disorder, I now know that my condition was caused by consuming dangerous amounts of Iodine in the soy milk Bonsoy. This condition is expected to be healed in time as my thyroid recovers and the excess iodine leaves my body.

Like The Answer Is Writing? You might also like Inner Beam.