The Land of the Unknown

That's where I am right now, the land of the unknown. Today I watched Eat, Pray, Love- a story about Liz, a woman who travels to Italy, India and Bali to find herself and become stronger. I cried during the movie, mostly during the India part, it stirred up emotions from somewhere deep within. As I write this now I feel them again. What was it about India that got me? Liz was 'lost' when she was at an ashram there and she did some hard yards; she struggled with meditation, she scrubbed floors as her selfless service and faced the reality that she needed to forgive herself.

It struck a chord with me when she said was that she was at 'the source' but had never felt so disconnected. I could identify with the feeling of disconnection, one of the most painful experiences a human can have I believe. Right here I could go on a rant about how that leads to addiction; but I feel no need to share information like that. I just want to be here and now and discuss how it feels to identify with a woman who has travelled to 3 very different countries in one year- when I have not spent more than 10 days outside of Australia in my life.

I could see my own experiences and struggles reflected back to me as I watched Liz face her typically western issues. I recognised her struggle to want something more and to find the courage to take the journey. In her I saw my own confusion, pain and guilt and the way 'dis-ease' is created by living in our western 'civilisation'.

Although I live a comfortable suburban life I sometimes feel as if I am trying to find my footing in a place that is foreign to me, like I don't truly belong. Have you ever felt as if you don't belong? Disconnected? It's painful, uncomfortable and a feeling that rarely leaves you alone.

I have been feeling out of place since before I became unwell; in fact my journey of being unwell started before I became hyperthyroid, it started with perfectionism, with buying into how things 'should' be done, by selling out on my true wants and needs to please others and from always wanting more yet never giving what I truly needed to myself.

No one ever taught me how to give myself what I need, nor did they really mention that it was important. When faced with 'dis-ease' in a serious or chronic form it forces the point that we all have needs and dreams and they are not to be ignored. Illness woke me up, nothing like the rug being pulled out from underneath your feet to give you a good jolt. I now believe that nothing in life is more important than feeling fulfilled- what is life without joy, peace and some fun?

It is impossible hard for me to explain to others what has happened to me and how much has shifted internally for me during the process of healing. Sometimes I get really frustrated by it, because I look at the world so differently to most people around me. I now look at life differently and my priorities have changed, big time. I think this is why I feel like I don't quite fit. It takes courage to speak my truth, to own up to where I am at and honour it. Some days I feel like I am all out of courage. Right now I require bucket loads of it, I don't really have a job, I certainly don't have a career, my health is like a precariously balanced see saw and makes things unpredictable...I don't know what I am capable of anymore and sometimes when I push it I fall flat on my face (regardless of the determination).

On the upside I do know I am truly in love, I know I live in a wonderful place close to the sea and that I have amazing family and friends, I am supported and I have faith. I remind myself of how important all of this is and always put things into perspective by reminding myself that the job, money and vibrant health will come, it's just change, healing and strengthening. I am scared, nothing looks the same to me anymore. I feel like I woke up from illness to a new kind of me and a world that seems to be changing. Where do I fit?

Does anyone else relate?

Like a normal person

Yesterday I spent the day pretty much like a normal person. When you're unwell for an extended period of time, it's not uncommon to begin to compare yourself to what is 'normal'. Spending the day like a normal person is an exciting experience because it feels so good and it also signifies hope, that one day in the not too distant future you might just feel 'normal' all of the time.

In my mind a 'normal' person can get up in the morning at a reasonable hour feeling fairly refreshed from their sleep (not like they have just woken after a massive night out after just 3 hours sleep). A 'normal' person can get ready to leave the house without tiring, they can eat a standard kind of breakfast without feeling ill or thinking twice. When a 'normal' person leaves the house they feel ok, not like they want to curl up and sleep or as if their eyelids are threatening to close on them all of the time. They also feel relaxed, they don't worry about getting home soon or how sick they feel, they don't think twice about being on their way to a shopping centre because it's just so regular.

Yesterday I felt normal because I did all of the above with relative ease, once I was at the shopping centre I felt a little bit tired but not so tired that I wished to be at home, I was happy to be out. After an hour or so shopping I still felt ok and was still not wishing I could go home to rest, it was an enjoyable experience.

Upon returning home after many hours out and about with the boyfriend I did indeed feel tired, but not so tired that I also felt sick or that I needed to lie down and not get up for the rest of the night. It was a bearable tiredness that was not going to prevent me from feeling ok and continuing being 'normal'. The boyfriend decided he wanted to make dessert for the first time since we have begun our sugar free lifestyles. We decided to try a baked cheesecake, which involved a trip to the supermarket for ingredients. I walked to the supermarket without dragging my feet, as we walked up a slight incline I felt the muscles in my legs kick in and do what they're meant to. Just a week ago this same slight incline would have slowed me down and had me asking the boyfriend to walk more slowly, my muscles would not have 'kicked in' like a 'normal' persons, they would have gone weak and slowed me down.

We made dinner and dessert and enjoyed a nice evening in, because the cheesecake took so long to cook we ended up staying up late to be able to eat it. I was able to stay awake and felt just fine. I had successfully spent the whole day feeling reasonably well- awake and capable. I had been able to contribute to helping with housework, shopping, considering the planning of a mid year holiday and baking. Yesterday I hadn't had to make a choice between using my energy for housework or going shopping or baking, I had been able to do all three and it was a real thrill.

The other 'normal' thing that I did this week was work. I spent one day at work, helping at my parents' business. Do you know how long it has been since I have been in an office for work purposes? About ten months. I have not been involved in any official work or earned my own income (apart from a once off tutoring gig) in that long. It was a huge day for me to be up and ready for a 9am start and to deal with having to sit in the once place all day. I did feel quite tired by the end of the day and was glad that the job was not at all intellectually demanding, but I made it through.

All of this 'normalcy' has been made possible by my thyroid coming into balance, it was just two weeks ago that I was begging my specialist to let me stop taking the medication that was slowing my thyroid down (too much). She agreed that it would be safe to do so, I was going nuts dealing with the symptoms of an underactive thyroid; the worst of which was an extreme fatigue that had slowed me down to a near stop. With that fatigue came alot of disappointment and frustration that I was not yet better or feeling 'normal'. This 'hypothyroid' state was induced by the medication, just to make sure I would not return to the 'hyper' state (aka hell).

My hyperthyroidism was caused by the consumption of excessive amounts of iodine in a so called 'healthy soy drink' that was actually very dangerous. This is very relevant to my recovery, the theory is that once all of the iodine is flushed from my system and my thyroid has found balance it will remain that way.

Just 3 days ago, for the first time since my diagnosis in August 2010 my thyroid test results came back 'normal'. The results of my test go a long way to explaining why yesterday I had a normal day and why last week I went to work and felt kind of normal. The test results also signify hope for the future, that 'normal' days will increase from her on in and from there I will start to have energetic days where I feel completely healthy and then..one day...I will live an energised, healthy and balanced life. As you can see, 'normal' is very important to me.

I doubt I will ever again take for granted how wonderful it feels to be 'ok' and to have my body be able to follow through on doing the things I want and need to, in harmony.

The best place to see the light is in the dark

'Just when I could bear it no longer came something amazing- clarity, hope and a vision of something bright and wonderful, something that makes my heart flutter.'

I was offended a few weeks ago when a certain practitioner referred to my 'inner turmoil' during a session, which he suggested affects my energy flow and essentially my well-being. I didn't blame him for saying it, I was just confronted by the words. He said it so matter of fact, like it was plain to see. No one has ever said such a thing to me, well not so directly. It took about three weeks for me to come to terms with it; I didn't dwell on it, but it sat uncomfortably. The way in which I eventually came to terms with his comment involved my inner turmoil peaking to the point that I could hardly bear it any longer. I wished I had some drugs to make it go away, but Nurofen plus and anti-thyroid drugs hardly cut it and I don't do drugs anyway- apart from alcohol. Hours later I chose to 'do' alcohol. I needed some relief, space from the intensity of the emotions running rampant, hormones egging them on. I knew I was reaching a critical point, I was sick and tired of how things had been and frustrated, confused and scared. I felt overwhelmed with no real answers.

Before you ask, no I haven't been meditating lately...and yes I think I probably need to return to that practice. I'm not really trying to read your mind, you're probably not wondering about my meditative practice at all, it's just my conscience speaking loud and clear and perhaps it's mixed with some advice from my 'wise one' on my inner.

Anyway, I blew off some steam with organic rose and some loud music, oh and a few verbal blows in the direction of the boyfriend. Lucky for both of us he could withstand the force of the storm just long enough until it passed. Most women would understand that when the gales of our emotions whip up and combine with a hormonal surge that only a woman knows, that we're a real force to be reckoned with. The best that we can hope for in such times is that when the storm passes there's been minimal damage. Luckily I awoke yesterday morning feeling alot better and all of a sudden ok with the concept of 'inner turmoil'.

Perhaps that's not the whole truth, the rose and loud music did not make me feel all of a sudden ok, but I'd found a new story about inner turmoil and it had settled things for me. My new story goes something like this: Inner turmoil keeps things moving, it can wake you up when you're not seeing something for what it is, inner turmoil drives some of the best artists and creative talent we've ever seen. When we're stirred up inside we get restless and it moves us and those around us in different ways. Sure I'd probably prefer to be moved by something more fluffy, more pink and love like- oh how perfect it would be. But that perfectionism is not necessarily helpful, it's one of the things that I'll probably work with for the rest of this lifetime, when I say work with I mean 'do battle with' and try to keep in check. It's very sneaky and pushes and pulls to get it's own way, consequently it creates inner turmoil effortlessly.

The more I resisted the imperfectness of the turmoil and the prickly abrasive feelings on the inside the stronger they seemed to get. They say that what we resist persists; it sure does! So I made peace with inner turmoil, rather than berating myself I simply found a new perspective, a more compassionate and realistic one, my new story about inner turmoil tells me that some of the very best creative work ignites from this place. The main thing is not to keep it inside for long so as to avoid an explosion or implosion of some kind. It's essential to find a way to make it ok, tell yourself a little story about it that makes you feel better, normalise it and find strength in knowing just how human you are! This applies to anything you're judging right now, you get to choose the story, throw out the old book and write a new one. The new story and acceptance meant I became open to a shift, divine intervention.

Through a sudden infusion of charism, your inability to make sense of life's challenges, coupled with the emotional weight of feeling as if you are living without purpose or direction is transformed into the knowledge that each movement in your life is divinely ordered. Myss 2001.

Just hours after my acceptance of the 'inner turmoil' concept being applicable to moi something shifted. Just when I could bear it no longer came something amazing- clarity, hope and a vision of something bright and wonderful, something that makes my heart flutter. It was something I'd known all along, but had been to afraid to believe in, to know. In order to find it I'd had to get lost, I'd had to face the fear of not knowing in order to know how amazing it is to actually 'know', to understand that I must not give up on what I want and  need. This month I wrote a post suggesting that 'I don't know' is the new black, in recent times I have donned the black attire and gone deep. I've felt the pain and sadness and wished for the old and familiar, for something I could know for sure and wrap myself in to feel safe. I felt like I was living in this dark space of nothingness, yet filled with vast potential and it was out of necessity, not choice. It was thanks to the scary, lonely and confronting darkness that eventually I was able to see the light. When it appeared it shone out as clear as day and I recognised it as truth because tears began to fall. The greatest sign of a beautiful truth, of real love, is that it can move you to tears.

When your life plans are suddenly interrupted, you can choose to view that event as a 'contract intervention' rather than a crisis. What symbolic vision gives you above all is choice- the choice to see events as arbitrary and antaganostic, or as blessings that are part of a plan in which you have some say. Myss 2001.

When I was counselling women that sometimes happened, one or both of us would get a tear in our eye or a shiver down our spine when a significant 'truth' had been realised. Another amazing thing about the presence of truth is that when it comes it can appear in the simplest of forms. For me it started with the title of a book at the library leaping off the shelf at me, which then became books...which evolved miraculously to become a story in itself, a story of the future and the past that showed me something real in the present moment. I'm talking about my future direction here, I hesitate to use the C word, let's call it Vocation for now.

Vocations can be many things: They may be calls to do something (become self-employed, go back to school, leave or start a relationship...) or calls to be something (more creative, less judgmental, more loving, less fearful). They may be calls to or away from something; calls to change something, review our commitment to it, or come back to it in an entirely new way; calls towards whatever we've dared...ourselves to do for as long as we can remember.... Gregg Levoy (Myss 2001).

(I can not believe just how accurate this explanation of Vocation is in the context of my life right now).

I guess that the dark and the inner turmoil has it's purpose. Although I said earlier that it would be nice to be moved by pink fluffy love rather than the tragic 'inner turmoil', it leads me to ponder if they're not one and the same? I suspect that the love and light was wearing a dark black cape, it was disguised and I didn't always know what it was, but that's the whole point of this illusionary world. Right? Once in a blue moon we have this kind of an experience, where we go swimming in the depths of darkness just so as we will be able to recognise the light for what it is, lest confusion gives us a break..

The above quotes are referenced from Caroline Myss's book 'Sacred Contracts'. I have just begun reading this amazing book and each and every page thus far is full of wisdom so relevant to my life and recent experiences. As I read I was excited to find several passages that further explained what I had written about in this blog post yesterday, so I have added them in where I think they fit best.

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The process of healing

Wow, what a week it has been. I have been staying with my parents for the last month now, the hyperthyroidism has hit me hard and left me incredibly tired, occasionally nauseous and dealing with heart palpitations. On Friday we headed off to Melbourne to see the endocrinologist and to catch up with my GP. On Friday the specialist informed me that my thyroid was still just as over active as ever; which was disappointing for both of us. Surprisingly I coped ok with the news.

Then off to the GP, who I adore, she is my favourite GP ever! She is so lovely and appears relaxed; I am truly grateful to have found someone I trust and can speak openly with. I don't feel like just another number. She takes the time to understand me and meet me where I am at. We chatted about my news from the specialist and all things thyroid related for nearly an hour. It was nice to have her to discuss things with and to normalise all that I'd been experiencing recently.

So the specialist has increased my anti-thyroid medication by double, I have realised that it is my role to not just sit on the couch and take the medicine, but to take an active role in my healing. I am calling people who I think can help and asking questions. I am being encouraged to continue asking questions to truly uncover the cause of my thyroid going crazy and overdoing it. Sarah Wilson's blog has truly inspired me, she has experienced both hyperthyroidism and hypothyroidism; the latter came over 10 years after the former for her. It started out as mine is now, way too fast, and then became way too slow.

My favourite part of her blog post is this:

If I could send a note to myself two years ago, it would say:
Dearest Sarah,  Please, please be kind to yourself. It’s your abrupt, impatient, push-yourself-to-limits approach that landed you here in the first place. Healing will come when – and as – you learn to be kinder and gentler to yourself. This is good news. It’s time to treat yourself well. From Me. x

Well don't I resonate with this! I am learning how to be kind and gentle with myself; to put my own needs first, because if I don't, how is it fair to expect that anyone else will? I could be waiting a long time.
I am the only person who can do the healing for me, others can be there to help, to facilitate, to offer guidance or suggestions, but it is me who must make the choices and discern what is right for me. The learning is all here for me; I have known this ever since I became unwell in April (see the beginnings of this journey here Inner Beam). It seems that I have re-opened to this many times. Sometimes just dealing with my symptoms and how I feel becomes all consuming; but then there comes a point where I come up for a breath and re-focus, re-commit to this journey I am on of growth, healing and forgiveness.

Yes forgiveness. Yesterday I had a conversation about this with a wise woman; she spoke about how different organs hold various emotions. We decided that due to my history of not putting my own needs first and focussing on others, there was surely a part of me becoming mighty pissed off about this. I haven't really been aware of such ill feelings, which means the feelings would be unconscious, they must have been going somewhere. The liver perhaps?

I opened to the possibility that there are feelings of anger and resentment being stored by my liver; that I have not necessarily been aware of, but that my liver or other organs have been dealing with. If you're interested in this concept that we store emotions in our body I can reccomend Louise Hay's 'You Can Heal Your Life' for reading, as well as Caroline Myss's Anatomy of The Spirit, which I am currently reading. I am very interested in understanding such concepts more so and have ensured that I have people and books around me who can help me on this path. Alongside these more holistic approaches to healing I am also continuing with the western medical approach and taking my anti-thyroid drugs.

Today I am venturing to see an acupuncturist, she is a family friend and I haven't been to see her since April, when I first became unwell.  I have been having Chinese Medicine treatment in Melbourne since May and I think it helped to keep me reasonably well, all things considered. I believe it is essential to continue with it,  it is very powerful.

The healing process is a bit like a ball of wool, unravelling and revealing more. Sometimes my thyroid is like a kitten, pushing and pulling on the ball of wool, forcing things to shift and change, more and more is revealed. Sometimes I am the one pulling the end of the string, sometimes it's friends, family, my partner or the health professionals in my life. The process is truly a joint effort, I am grateful for the input of all. Thanks to my thyroid for pushing me beyond my comfort zone, thanks to the family, friends and professionals for supporting me as I am pushed and prodded by this illness. Thanks for being there to hold me and help me to feel safe. I am hugely grateful to my wonderful partner for hanging  in there and being the support that he is in this time. Even though it feels like we've known each other for a long time, the reality is that in the time that we have known each other I have been unwell for at least a third of it. I think he's pretty amazing.

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