Celebrations

It's important to celebrate regularly- the big, little and medium size wins. Just now I recognised that I had something to celebrate.

I asked for what I want.

I have called a recruitment agency in my pursuit for work, I no longer fell victim to the idea that I have to fit someone elses mould. I did not choose to give my self a hard time for my limitations (energy levels, fatigue easily, still dealing with my tendency to do burn out). During the phone call with the recruiter I stated my situation and work needs and even had the confidence audacity to throw in a request- do you think you might be able to get me some work in a University?

I was speaking with the department who specialise in Social Work, but I did not say- I will do anything, throw me to the wolves I just need some money. I know a me from the past who may have done just that. I did not say I will try anything you give me (even if it kills me). I unapologetically stated that I am in recovery, that I only want part time casual work and that ideally it would be project or shift type work that meant I did not work a full day. I did not feel guilty or 'less than' for this being my current situation, I felt confident in knowing that I have alot to offer.

Today I celebrate asking for what I want, what I need. The recruiter, Lizzy, responded really well to my University work request and said she'd been looking into working with Universities, she was open and positively responsive to my seemingly left-of-field request. I reminded her that although my CV might be very social worky I am not attached to that and would be happy to try something a little different.

I have not made any commitments to myself about having to take a job that she offers, but I have opened up to the possibilitity that I can use my background and skills in social work to find some temporary work that will work for me, that will be comfortable and fulfilling...and even energising?

Wow, haven't I changed, celebrate with me? What have you got to to be pleased with your Self about?

The best place to see the light is in the dark

'Just when I could bear it no longer came something amazing- clarity, hope and a vision of something bright and wonderful, something that makes my heart flutter.'

I was offended a few weeks ago when a certain practitioner referred to my 'inner turmoil' during a session, which he suggested affects my energy flow and essentially my well-being. I didn't blame him for saying it, I was just confronted by the words. He said it so matter of fact, like it was plain to see. No one has ever said such a thing to me, well not so directly. It took about three weeks for me to come to terms with it; I didn't dwell on it, but it sat uncomfortably. The way in which I eventually came to terms with his comment involved my inner turmoil peaking to the point that I could hardly bear it any longer. I wished I had some drugs to make it go away, but Nurofen plus and anti-thyroid drugs hardly cut it and I don't do drugs anyway- apart from alcohol. Hours later I chose to 'do' alcohol. I needed some relief, space from the intensity of the emotions running rampant, hormones egging them on. I knew I was reaching a critical point, I was sick and tired of how things had been and frustrated, confused and scared. I felt overwhelmed with no real answers.

Before you ask, no I haven't been meditating lately...and yes I think I probably need to return to that practice. I'm not really trying to read your mind, you're probably not wondering about my meditative practice at all, it's just my conscience speaking loud and clear and perhaps it's mixed with some advice from my 'wise one' on my inner.

Anyway, I blew off some steam with organic rose and some loud music, oh and a few verbal blows in the direction of the boyfriend. Lucky for both of us he could withstand the force of the storm just long enough until it passed. Most women would understand that when the gales of our emotions whip up and combine with a hormonal surge that only a woman knows, that we're a real force to be reckoned with. The best that we can hope for in such times is that when the storm passes there's been minimal damage. Luckily I awoke yesterday morning feeling alot better and all of a sudden ok with the concept of 'inner turmoil'.

Perhaps that's not the whole truth, the rose and loud music did not make me feel all of a sudden ok, but I'd found a new story about inner turmoil and it had settled things for me. My new story goes something like this: Inner turmoil keeps things moving, it can wake you up when you're not seeing something for what it is, inner turmoil drives some of the best artists and creative talent we've ever seen. When we're stirred up inside we get restless and it moves us and those around us in different ways. Sure I'd probably prefer to be moved by something more fluffy, more pink and love like- oh how perfect it would be. But that perfectionism is not necessarily helpful, it's one of the things that I'll probably work with for the rest of this lifetime, when I say work with I mean 'do battle with' and try to keep in check. It's very sneaky and pushes and pulls to get it's own way, consequently it creates inner turmoil effortlessly.

The more I resisted the imperfectness of the turmoil and the prickly abrasive feelings on the inside the stronger they seemed to get. They say that what we resist persists; it sure does! So I made peace with inner turmoil, rather than berating myself I simply found a new perspective, a more compassionate and realistic one, my new story about inner turmoil tells me that some of the very best creative work ignites from this place. The main thing is not to keep it inside for long so as to avoid an explosion or implosion of some kind. It's essential to find a way to make it ok, tell yourself a little story about it that makes you feel better, normalise it and find strength in knowing just how human you are! This applies to anything you're judging right now, you get to choose the story, throw out the old book and write a new one. The new story and acceptance meant I became open to a shift, divine intervention.

Through a sudden infusion of charism, your inability to make sense of life's challenges, coupled with the emotional weight of feeling as if you are living without purpose or direction is transformed into the knowledge that each movement in your life is divinely ordered. Myss 2001.

Just hours after my acceptance of the 'inner turmoil' concept being applicable to moi something shifted. Just when I could bear it no longer came something amazing- clarity, hope and a vision of something bright and wonderful, something that makes my heart flutter. It was something I'd known all along, but had been to afraid to believe in, to know. In order to find it I'd had to get lost, I'd had to face the fear of not knowing in order to know how amazing it is to actually 'know', to understand that I must not give up on what I want and  need. This month I wrote a post suggesting that 'I don't know' is the new black, in recent times I have donned the black attire and gone deep. I've felt the pain and sadness and wished for the old and familiar, for something I could know for sure and wrap myself in to feel safe. I felt like I was living in this dark space of nothingness, yet filled with vast potential and it was out of necessity, not choice. It was thanks to the scary, lonely and confronting darkness that eventually I was able to see the light. When it appeared it shone out as clear as day and I recognised it as truth because tears began to fall. The greatest sign of a beautiful truth, of real love, is that it can move you to tears.

When your life plans are suddenly interrupted, you can choose to view that event as a 'contract intervention' rather than a crisis. What symbolic vision gives you above all is choice- the choice to see events as arbitrary and antaganostic, or as blessings that are part of a plan in which you have some say. Myss 2001.

When I was counselling women that sometimes happened, one or both of us would get a tear in our eye or a shiver down our spine when a significant 'truth' had been realised. Another amazing thing about the presence of truth is that when it comes it can appear in the simplest of forms. For me it started with the title of a book at the library leaping off the shelf at me, which then became books...which evolved miraculously to become a story in itself, a story of the future and the past that showed me something real in the present moment. I'm talking about my future direction here, I hesitate to use the C word, let's call it Vocation for now.

Vocations can be many things: They may be calls to do something (become self-employed, go back to school, leave or start a relationship...) or calls to be something (more creative, less judgmental, more loving, less fearful). They may be calls to or away from something; calls to change something, review our commitment to it, or come back to it in an entirely new way; calls towards whatever we've dared...ourselves to do for as long as we can remember.... Gregg Levoy (Myss 2001).

(I can not believe just how accurate this explanation of Vocation is in the context of my life right now).

I guess that the dark and the inner turmoil has it's purpose. Although I said earlier that it would be nice to be moved by pink fluffy love rather than the tragic 'inner turmoil', it leads me to ponder if they're not one and the same? I suspect that the love and light was wearing a dark black cape, it was disguised and I didn't always know what it was, but that's the whole point of this illusionary world. Right? Once in a blue moon we have this kind of an experience, where we go swimming in the depths of darkness just so as we will be able to recognise the light for what it is, lest confusion gives us a break..

The above quotes are referenced from Caroline Myss's book 'Sacred Contracts'. I have just begun reading this amazing book and each and every page thus far is full of wisdom so relevant to my life and recent experiences. As I read I was excited to find several passages that further explained what I had written about in this blog post yesterday, so I have added them in where I think they fit best.

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Is 'I don't know' the new black?

So I decided it's about time I blogged, apart from the fact that I feel like writing, I also think it's about time I did. I have been out wandering in my local suburb, enjoying the sun, stopping for a bit to eat and feeling increasingly inspired. As I sat at lunch, on my own, which funnily enough has become one of my favourite things to do; I observed two women sharing some documents that had patches of colour on them. They appeared to be doing some kind of creative business, they also seemed to be friends. I liked how it looked, two creative women having a really good time and doing business. I observed something inside saying 'I want some of that', I also recognised that it's something I have experienced before. I like how it used to feel, spending time with a friend/colleague sharing ideas and inspiration, I like how it feels when I think about it being a part of my future.

Perhaps my opening paragraph seems general or a little vague, but that's ok, right? It's ok to sometimes just sit with thoughts, feelings and impressions without having to summise or make conclusions. This is one of the ways we can allow things to unfold organically, rather than forcing, pushing, over thinking. This is exactly how my blog posts are written, it's why I often begin with a pretty vague and open paragraph, because I really have little clue what I'm going to write, I just let it flow and at the end I am often surprised at what I've written. I usually think, oh ok, not what I thought I might write, but obviously what I needed to. I think they call it automatic writing. I've been practising this 'allowing' lately, just allowing myself to experience things as they are, to do a little research and then just sit with it, go with the flow. All of this is about how the next little while is going to unfold for me and the direction I'll take when it comes to work, to life. I'm starting from scratch, I've recently moved to a new suburb, I have no job and my health is not yet strong enough for me to look for work. What am I to do but dream a little?

I don't have any definitive answers to the question posed by others which is something like 'what now?' or 'what will you do for work?'. I'm glad to only have ideas though, rather than being freaked out by the unknown I am truly embracing it. Consequently others might be a little freaked themselves. I recognise that they themselves would be worried if they were in my situation, but what they don't know is that this is how I roll...or at least how I'd like to. It's sort of hard to explain this to someone who's never really contemplated this type of an aproach to their future.

I have some visions and impressions of how things could be, they're developing as I write- as I stroll in the sun and as I speak to inspired people. I have ideas on how I'll make my visions become reality, but I'm in the brainstorming phase right now, and we can't rush a creative process. My intention since I've been unwell is that my life will never be the same again, that things won't look or be the same. It's no surprise that a creative process is essential to support my intentions to come into fruition.

I won't deny that it would be nice to give a confident and concrete answer when the question of 'what are you going to do?' is posed because that would make things easy in the moment the question is asked. But it would also mean disregarding my wise one and disappointing my heart, consequently dampening my Inner Beam; which in the long run just creates sickness and misery. So I think that 'I don't know' just became the new black, and we all know that black can be dressed up or down depending on the occasion.

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The day I found out I had an autoimmune disease

8 days ago I was leaving an interview with a recruitment agency, the interview had gone incredibly well I thought. I felt some pride in having been completely honest with the recruiter about who I am, where I have been and where I would like to go. Even more impressive was how honest the recruiter herself was with me; I felt pleased as I observed her surprising herself at how much she was sharing of herself during the interview. I honoured her sharing, but took responsibility for creating the environment where she might 'overstep' the mark. 'I started it' I said with a reassuring smile.

I left the interview feeling it was a positive experience, but incredibly dubious about the jobs she was suggesting I might go for. I know my CV suggests I might be the ideal candidate for these types of jobs. The problem is that deep down I know that however capable I might be of undertaking such intense social work roles it is not what I want. I don't want to spend my days intervening in families who are underpriviledged, suffering and often due to long term inter-generational patterns of abuse, mental & physical illness, drug & alcohol problems...and the list goes on. I don't even want to fill a paragraph with this talk. Why on earth am I considering returning to such work? I feel it no longer matches my vibration, nor my need for learning & growth.

I had left the interview and stood descending in the lift of this big city building. I experienced polarising energies- that of a positive interview experience where I could be authentic and successful; and opposingly, the dread of actually following through on job opportunities I can hardly bare to speak of. Before I'd reached the ground floor my mobile rang. It was my GP's clinic asking me to come in ASAP. Fear struck straight away. The blood tests results were in and my GP didn't want to wait until my scheduled appointment tomorrow to see me.

I walked into her office after an uncomfortable 3/4 hour wait in the waiting room. I watched her body language and facial expressions for clues of what might be to come. She smiled and told me we had got to the bottom of what was making me so sick. I had an overactive thyroid.

Both relief and concern emerged simultaneously; the concern wondered what this meant for me. The relief came with the knowing that something very physical was happening; that it wasn't my fault that I'd been unable to function 'normally' in the world all year. Or that I'd become so sick in April that I had no choice but to quit my job.

So that was 8 days ago, 4 days ago I saw an endocrinologist. My GP was very handy at pulling strings and ensuring I had specialist treatment as soon as possible.

Today a friend suggested understanding the larger meaning of all of this, of considering what this illness was offering me. I feel incredibly unwell today, too tired to do much more than get off the couch. But I agreed, I knew he was right, and I've been learning about metaphysics for years. I guess I had never really had a serious illness to put the concepts to work.

He made me list 5 reasons why the illness was benefiting me. They rolled off my tongue with little thought. I promised I would write. He said 'yes writing, I feel that you should write it all out, perhaps a blog, then it could help others.' In my heart I knew he was right, I know that 'this' is happening for a reason. I can stay fearful and dutifully take my medication; without any guarantee that the underlying cause or the lessons I need to learn will be revealed or healed.

For many years I have believed in the theory that our body will mirror the imbalances of all areas of our life and once recognised provide potential for growth. I also believe that the way western medicine dismisses this is a major limitation to our healing; for it cannot be truly holistic when it frequently treats symptoms rather than causes. The fact that this diagnosis has forced me to be still for yet another 4 weeks is already doing me a huge favour. I am being prevented from taking a job which inevitably would mean returning to a life that clearly my soul, nor my heart desire.

Today when my friend challenged me about simply taking medication and doing nothing much else for my condition he woke me up. It wasn't easy and in my current tired and unwell state I didn't particularly want to hear that I had more work to do. He invited me to get excited about this and see it as an opportunity. Creating the blog is my first step; I'm putting some theories to the test because I have a knowing inside that he is right, perhaps I just wandered off track for a little bit, no blame, no judgment, it is what it is. Let me try to have fun with this! There is more here for me. The answer is writing. The answer is listening. The answer is Trust. So here goes...

2/11/2010 Note: While I was initially told I had Graves disease which is an auto-immune disorder, I now know that my condition was caused by consuming dangerous amounts of Iodine in the soy milk Bonsoy. This condition is expected to be healed in time as my thyroid recovers and the excess iodine leaves my body.

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