The Land of the Unknown

That's where I am right now, the land of the unknown. Today I watched Eat, Pray, Love- a story about Liz, a woman who travels to Italy, India and Bali to find herself and become stronger. I cried during the movie, mostly during the India part, it stirred up emotions from somewhere deep within. As I write this now I feel them again. What was it about India that got me? Liz was 'lost' when she was at an ashram there and she did some hard yards; she struggled with meditation, she scrubbed floors as her selfless service and faced the reality that she needed to forgive herself.

It struck a chord with me when she said was that she was at 'the source' but had never felt so disconnected. I could identify with the feeling of disconnection, one of the most painful experiences a human can have I believe. Right here I could go on a rant about how that leads to addiction; but I feel no need to share information like that. I just want to be here and now and discuss how it feels to identify with a woman who has travelled to 3 very different countries in one year- when I have not spent more than 10 days outside of Australia in my life.

I could see my own experiences and struggles reflected back to me as I watched Liz face her typically western issues. I recognised her struggle to want something more and to find the courage to take the journey. In her I saw my own confusion, pain and guilt and the way 'dis-ease' is created by living in our western 'civilisation'.

Although I live a comfortable suburban life I sometimes feel as if I am trying to find my footing in a place that is foreign to me, like I don't truly belong. Have you ever felt as if you don't belong? Disconnected? It's painful, uncomfortable and a feeling that rarely leaves you alone.

I have been feeling out of place since before I became unwell; in fact my journey of being unwell started before I became hyperthyroid, it started with perfectionism, with buying into how things 'should' be done, by selling out on my true wants and needs to please others and from always wanting more yet never giving what I truly needed to myself.

No one ever taught me how to give myself what I need, nor did they really mention that it was important. When faced with 'dis-ease' in a serious or chronic form it forces the point that we all have needs and dreams and they are not to be ignored. Illness woke me up, nothing like the rug being pulled out from underneath your feet to give you a good jolt. I now believe that nothing in life is more important than feeling fulfilled- what is life without joy, peace and some fun?

It is impossible hard for me to explain to others what has happened to me and how much has shifted internally for me during the process of healing. Sometimes I get really frustrated by it, because I look at the world so differently to most people around me. I now look at life differently and my priorities have changed, big time. I think this is why I feel like I don't quite fit. It takes courage to speak my truth, to own up to where I am at and honour it. Some days I feel like I am all out of courage. Right now I require bucket loads of it, I don't really have a job, I certainly don't have a career, my health is like a precariously balanced see saw and makes things unpredictable...I don't know what I am capable of anymore and sometimes when I push it I fall flat on my face (regardless of the determination).

On the upside I do know I am truly in love, I know I live in a wonderful place close to the sea and that I have amazing family and friends, I am supported and I have faith. I remind myself of how important all of this is and always put things into perspective by reminding myself that the job, money and vibrant health will come, it's just change, healing and strengthening. I am scared, nothing looks the same to me anymore. I feel like I woke up from illness to a new kind of me and a world that seems to be changing. Where do I fit?

Does anyone else relate?

Like a normal person

Yesterday I spent the day pretty much like a normal person. When you're unwell for an extended period of time, it's not uncommon to begin to compare yourself to what is 'normal'. Spending the day like a normal person is an exciting experience because it feels so good and it also signifies hope, that one day in the not too distant future you might just feel 'normal' all of the time.

In my mind a 'normal' person can get up in the morning at a reasonable hour feeling fairly refreshed from their sleep (not like they have just woken after a massive night out after just 3 hours sleep). A 'normal' person can get ready to leave the house without tiring, they can eat a standard kind of breakfast without feeling ill or thinking twice. When a 'normal' person leaves the house they feel ok, not like they want to curl up and sleep or as if their eyelids are threatening to close on them all of the time. They also feel relaxed, they don't worry about getting home soon or how sick they feel, they don't think twice about being on their way to a shopping centre because it's just so regular.

Yesterday I felt normal because I did all of the above with relative ease, once I was at the shopping centre I felt a little bit tired but not so tired that I wished to be at home, I was happy to be out. After an hour or so shopping I still felt ok and was still not wishing I could go home to rest, it was an enjoyable experience.

Upon returning home after many hours out and about with the boyfriend I did indeed feel tired, but not so tired that I also felt sick or that I needed to lie down and not get up for the rest of the night. It was a bearable tiredness that was not going to prevent me from feeling ok and continuing being 'normal'. The boyfriend decided he wanted to make dessert for the first time since we have begun our sugar free lifestyles. We decided to try a baked cheesecake, which involved a trip to the supermarket for ingredients. I walked to the supermarket without dragging my feet, as we walked up a slight incline I felt the muscles in my legs kick in and do what they're meant to. Just a week ago this same slight incline would have slowed me down and had me asking the boyfriend to walk more slowly, my muscles would not have 'kicked in' like a 'normal' persons, they would have gone weak and slowed me down.

We made dinner and dessert and enjoyed a nice evening in, because the cheesecake took so long to cook we ended up staying up late to be able to eat it. I was able to stay awake and felt just fine. I had successfully spent the whole day feeling reasonably well- awake and capable. I had been able to contribute to helping with housework, shopping, considering the planning of a mid year holiday and baking. Yesterday I hadn't had to make a choice between using my energy for housework or going shopping or baking, I had been able to do all three and it was a real thrill.

The other 'normal' thing that I did this week was work. I spent one day at work, helping at my parents' business. Do you know how long it has been since I have been in an office for work purposes? About ten months. I have not been involved in any official work or earned my own income (apart from a once off tutoring gig) in that long. It was a huge day for me to be up and ready for a 9am start and to deal with having to sit in the once place all day. I did feel quite tired by the end of the day and was glad that the job was not at all intellectually demanding, but I made it through.

All of this 'normalcy' has been made possible by my thyroid coming into balance, it was just two weeks ago that I was begging my specialist to let me stop taking the medication that was slowing my thyroid down (too much). She agreed that it would be safe to do so, I was going nuts dealing with the symptoms of an underactive thyroid; the worst of which was an extreme fatigue that had slowed me down to a near stop. With that fatigue came alot of disappointment and frustration that I was not yet better or feeling 'normal'. This 'hypothyroid' state was induced by the medication, just to make sure I would not return to the 'hyper' state (aka hell).

My hyperthyroidism was caused by the consumption of excessive amounts of iodine in a so called 'healthy soy drink' that was actually very dangerous. This is very relevant to my recovery, the theory is that once all of the iodine is flushed from my system and my thyroid has found balance it will remain that way.

Just 3 days ago, for the first time since my diagnosis in August 2010 my thyroid test results came back 'normal'. The results of my test go a long way to explaining why yesterday I had a normal day and why last week I went to work and felt kind of normal. The test results also signify hope for the future, that 'normal' days will increase from her on in and from there I will start to have energetic days where I feel completely healthy and then..one day...I will live an energised, healthy and balanced life. As you can see, 'normal' is very important to me.

I doubt I will ever again take for granted how wonderful it feels to be 'ok' and to have my body be able to follow through on doing the things I want and need to, in harmony.

Facing Fatigue

Yuck, I don't like the word fatigue, it makes me feel tired and weak. I'm feeling a bit that way anyway today, fatigue seems to have crept in to my life increasingly in the past two or so weeks. I'm no stranger to fatigue, it's been a part of my life for atleast a year and in the last 8 or so months it's been a serious hurdle to being able to live life as I'd like to. My mind will have an idea about what I'd like to do, I then have to consult my body and we either do it regardless of low energy and just push through because I really want to do it. Or my body decides it's all too much effort and I stay still and rest. The last couple of days it seems that pushing through would just be unkind and way way too hard, so I've been fairly still. Feeling this way truly isn't fun, but I recognise that my best chance of feeling well right now is to accept that it is what it is, not to delve into 'what's wrong with me?' and getting grumpy with my body. So this morning I decided to choose gratitude for what is, I think about why I'm lucky, why things are just fine...and that's all there is to it.

I also went outside for some fresh air and sun (through the clouds), I admired my plants and how much they've grown with the rain, I listened to the birds song and realised that I'd never truly appreciated the sounds they make, I'd just not felt an appreciation for it and hadn't been able to force it. Today it was nice to hear the birds and for the first time I understood why my Mum comments on enjoying listening to the birds. I picked some of my mint and brought it inside and made some mint tea. I took my herbs from the Naturopath which are meant to pep me up and some magnesium which does wonders. For my morning tea I chose almonds and a banana over my home made cake to avoid sugar and to boost my energy with some nutrient dense food, I'm committed to nurturing my body today. I hope the fatigue will fade and energy and strength will emerge.

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The beginnings of my journey with meditation

I'm no stranger to meditation, I used to do it every week at Yoga. I loved it, it was guided meditation so I wasn't really left to wander, my teacher's voice and guidance kept me on track. However I would only meditate once a week, very rarely would I practice on my own. In recent months I have been sporadically listening to a guided meditation on my ipod; it goes for about 45 minutes and I found that after the first few times of listening my mind was complaining 'this is so predictable' and my mind would then wander off, bored with listening to the same thing.

In the last month I feel as if I have been bombarded with suggestions to meditate. Yeah yeah I thought, good idea, intellectually I'm all over it. I have read the statistics, understood the psychology of meditation etc. As I've mentioned before, if I had $1000 for every time someone suggested I meditate I could afford a really amazing trip to Europe, greek islands included! The hassling started to wear me down and my wise one inside was asking why I wasn't listening. I did not have a good excuse. I wanted to be able to proudly state that I do meditate whenever someone suggests it, so I started.

My boyfriend's been doing a mindfulness course through work and has noticed that his daily meditation practice has brought about some very positive changes. I must say I have noticed too, he seems more positive and relaxed and I am enjoying the benefits of that. He's not usually someone to go on about things, he can be a man of few words, so when he started banging on about mindfulness I was surprised. I was quietly pleased that he had become so passionate about something as healthy as mindfulness and that I was not the only one in the relationship that would talk alot about a particular topic. At first it was ok, all the talk about meditation, but as he continued to ask if I was practising the meditation and I continued to feel like a school girl who was repeatedly turning up without her homework, I didn't like it. But the wise one inside of me was telling me to listen and would not allow me to tell him to shut up.

So every day for the past 10 days I have meditated, just by sitting still and focussing on my breathing, when thoughts come I return to my breath and let them pass. Sometimes the thoughts keep coming, often actually. On my third day I went into a beautiful peaceful space for part of the meditation and heard a voice inside saying 'ahhh, this is what it's all about'. That experience helped me to feel motivated to continue.

Aside from the peaceful experience whilst meditating I also noticed something else had changed; my mood. On my fifth day of meditation I noticed how happy and content I felt. It was so noticeably different because the usual feelings of anxiety that arise within were nowhere to be seen. It is a common symptom of hyperthyroidism to experience anxiety, in fact, if left untreated people can become psychotic. It happens because everything in the body is working too hard, the heart is beating faster and too much adrenaline is released into the body. Sometimes the feelings of anxiety are really hard to bear, and often the anxiety can lead to increased fatigue.However, something has changed recently and I am now feeling much more relaxed, I haven't noticed anxiety like I used to. I feel at peace with where I am and how I am. Worries about my health and future don't buzz around in my head and body like they were. I can honestly say that I have had times during the past few days where I have felt more relaxed and happy than I can remember in a very long time. I can just be lying on the couch watching television and notice these positive feelings and feel gratitude for how good I feel.

My circumstances haven't changed much in the last 6 weeks; I still have an overactive thyroid, I am still unsure what has caused it and when I will be well, I am still tired alot of the time, I still have low energy and I am still staying with my parents in the country instead of living life in Melbourne with friends and my partner.
However, the way I feel about all of this has changed, I no longer look to the future with fear. I can accept what might be without stressing over it, but I am also having positive thoughts and ideas for what I will be doing in coming months. These ideas make me feel excited and hopeful; while I still hold in my awareness that there's a possibility my plans will be delayed because of my health. It's not about disregarding reality or potential issues, it's about focussing more on the light than the dark and having the faith that I can do it, that I can manage this and I will be ok. I am not giving up and I am doing all that I can to support my healing. I am choosing to accept what is, whilst choosing sunny thoughts that help me to feel good in the now. There's no tomorrow, there's no yesterday, the time is always NOW.

Food v Pleasure- what is more nourishing?

image from philosophicalsociety.com

Today I'm trialling a new approach to writing, I am going to write on a specific and somewhat factual topic. The somewhat is my official disclaimer. Ok, there are some facts here and lots of opinion. I'm not a scientist, I'm a philosopher.

The question is, Food V Pleasure, what is more nourishing?

Last Christmas I asked my partner to buy me a book called 'The Power of Pleasure'. It was a book that suggested that the way in which we consume our food has much more to do with our health than the actual food we consume.

It was a theory I was very much interested in before stumbling across the book in a second hand book shop in Bendigo; I'd been mulling the idea over in my own mind for a few months previously.


I have tried many kinds of diets and approaches, I have seen naturopaths, nutritionists and psychologists to discuss food. I have obsessed over such ideas from the age of 18, perhaps earlier. Why did I start? To oversimplify it, because I put on weight and had low energy as a result of too many carbs and too much alcohol in my first year of Uni. Why haven't I stopped? Because it is clearly such a passion for me. It started as an interest while in school, food and health were my favourite classes, then turned into an obsession and is now one of my great passions.

At times I have desperately wanted THE answer. Are the vegetarians right? Is the naturopath correct in suggesting eliminating most of my staple foods- wheat, dairy and sugar? Is the dietitian right when she feels sorry for this confused young woman with all her ideas and recommends she get straight back into that food pyramid (weet-bix and cow's milk for brekky)? Is my Dad right when he tells me balance is key? As he washes down his manufactured and refined jam fancy biscuits for his morning and afternoon snack with a good old cow's milk latte.
I find myself wondering (worrying?) could I have coeliacs and not know it? Am I just wheat intolerant? Or is it just the extra nasties added to many wheat products that's not good for me.. or anyone; but I'm just super sensitive to them. Ok, I admit I am still quite confused about what's really good for you. I am channelling this energy into a healthy appetite for learning about all things nutrition, whilst keeping an open mind.

I know that much of our well-being is affected by our thoughts and feelings, it leads me to wonder if the answer to good health does lie in pleasure? Is it as simple as the book suggested? Is it the way we feel and think about our food that is key to our health?

The book suggests enjoying our food and all sorts of pleasures courtesy of our 5  senses. I question whether we truly only have five senses, but I digress, that discussion is for another time. Now, back to pleasure, I believe that our emotional and mental state when it comes to food is a vital factor in our well-being. For example, if we truly believe that something is bad for us or the food is 'naughty' it then becomes guilt inducing, hence we are likely to become uptight during the meal.

So what happens when the body is anxious? Our muscles tense and adrenaline courses through the body to aid with the fight or flight response. The wonderful flight or fight response is essential for if and when we encounter real danger. It helps us to be super strong to fight and survive or super quick to run away. It is an overused and overstimulated response in our modern western world. An imminent deadline, an intimidating boss or a stressful driving situation among many others is enough to trigger our body's natural response to danger- adrenaline.

Adrenaline is a hormone secreted by our adrenal glands when we feel under threat. The brain can not distinguish between real and imagined danger; therefore it may send signals to the adrenals to start 'doing their thing' just because we have an irrational fear of birds and a sparrow lands at our feet.

Consequently, if we are stressed or anxious at meal times our body is preparing to fight whatever is about to be consumed, or run away with fear. Here's a little science from someone who has basically been studying humanities and languages since Year 11; when adrenaline is present in the body, our digestion ceases to function. Think about it, the whole point of the 'fight or flight' response was so as way back in the day, if we were confronted by a dangerous situation we would be able to defend ourselves, or run very quickly. Adrenaline helped our bodies to make us capable of more strength, speed and agility aswell as stopping the organs such as the digestive system from working during this time so as all the body's energy could be used solely for survival purposes.


The key here is that when we feel anxious and are not in a state of pleasure, perhaps because just looking at pizza elicits feelings guilt and remorse, perhaps causing an anxious response. Even if the adrenals don't kick into action, when we feel uptight our organs and muscles are no longer relaxed and won't function at their optimal; hence digestion will not be 100%. The same would apply if you are stressed and anxious for other reasons; our digestion is just not going to work nearly as effectively as if we were in a state of relaxation and pleasure.


This is why I think there's truly something in the teachings offered in 'French Women Don't Get Fat'. The book teaches us to source the finest and freshest produce and to make wonderful food from using herbs and other wonderful natural sources of flavour. It encourages using all the senses, for example, when shopping at the market for food the books discusses engaging with stall holders, listening to the wonderful hustle and bustle of shoppers, smelling the wonderful scent of a ready to eat peach and touching your produce. It seems to me it is the French woman's version of mindfulness.

According to my reading, French women prepare their food mindfully and it follows that they eat in the same way. They are aware that eating too much bread in one day or gorging on pain au chocolate is not true pleasure. Pleasure is about all 5 senses being engaged in the sourcing, preparation and consumption of food. The table is set, food can be consumed with beautiful music and or company and it is done so at a table that is set to honour the meal time. There is no rush, no tv, no fast food. Meal times are to be treated with respect. In understanding this I suspect that it is far more likely that the French can enjoy their food, stimulating the senses, rather than with feelings of fear or guilt attached. I propose that consumption of a meal in such a way means that ones digestive organs would be relaxed and functioning, as opposed to 'shut down' in a state of anxiety.

Having explored how the emotional and mental aspects can impact on our physical being, let us now return to question the importance of the quality or type of food we choose to eat. Is our good health truly all tied up in eating in a state of pleasure or is there more to it?

I believe that if all we ever consumed was pizza and beer with great delight, we would probably digest these ok, at least as best as is possible and should consequently absorb nutrients as best as possible (this is in the case of those without wheat or gluten intolerance/allergies).

However, if we were to find ways to consume a wide range of foods, the most part being those that are provided to us from the earth, in a state of pleasure and gratitude, following something similar to the French approach to food, I propose that we could then absorb many wonderful nutrients and sources of energy from our food. Now this could just be the ideal approach.

I have certainly not developed a definitive answer to how we can eat in order to achieve optimal health, but I believe that pleasure is a significant clue, as is the types of foods we consume and how close they are to their natural state. I must say I think different approaches work for different people; so there is no one answer. Stay tuned for further questions and musings on the energetics of food eg. manufactured, processed, natural, fresh, canned etc. and their effect on our health.

If you've got thoughts on the topic please leave a comment, I'd love to hear them.

Like The Answer Is Writing? You might also like Inner Beam.

The day I found out I had an autoimmune disease

8 days ago I was leaving an interview with a recruitment agency, the interview had gone incredibly well I thought. I felt some pride in having been completely honest with the recruiter about who I am, where I have been and where I would like to go. Even more impressive was how honest the recruiter herself was with me; I felt pleased as I observed her surprising herself at how much she was sharing of herself during the interview. I honoured her sharing, but took responsibility for creating the environment where she might 'overstep' the mark. 'I started it' I said with a reassuring smile.

I left the interview feeling it was a positive experience, but incredibly dubious about the jobs she was suggesting I might go for. I know my CV suggests I might be the ideal candidate for these types of jobs. The problem is that deep down I know that however capable I might be of undertaking such intense social work roles it is not what I want. I don't want to spend my days intervening in families who are underpriviledged, suffering and often due to long term inter-generational patterns of abuse, mental & physical illness, drug & alcohol problems...and the list goes on. I don't even want to fill a paragraph with this talk. Why on earth am I considering returning to such work? I feel it no longer matches my vibration, nor my need for learning & growth.

I had left the interview and stood descending in the lift of this big city building. I experienced polarising energies- that of a positive interview experience where I could be authentic and successful; and opposingly, the dread of actually following through on job opportunities I can hardly bare to speak of. Before I'd reached the ground floor my mobile rang. It was my GP's clinic asking me to come in ASAP. Fear struck straight away. The blood tests results were in and my GP didn't want to wait until my scheduled appointment tomorrow to see me.

I walked into her office after an uncomfortable 3/4 hour wait in the waiting room. I watched her body language and facial expressions for clues of what might be to come. She smiled and told me we had got to the bottom of what was making me so sick. I had an overactive thyroid.

Both relief and concern emerged simultaneously; the concern wondered what this meant for me. The relief came with the knowing that something very physical was happening; that it wasn't my fault that I'd been unable to function 'normally' in the world all year. Or that I'd become so sick in April that I had no choice but to quit my job.

So that was 8 days ago, 4 days ago I saw an endocrinologist. My GP was very handy at pulling strings and ensuring I had specialist treatment as soon as possible.

Today a friend suggested understanding the larger meaning of all of this, of considering what this illness was offering me. I feel incredibly unwell today, too tired to do much more than get off the couch. But I agreed, I knew he was right, and I've been learning about metaphysics for years. I guess I had never really had a serious illness to put the concepts to work.

He made me list 5 reasons why the illness was benefiting me. They rolled off my tongue with little thought. I promised I would write. He said 'yes writing, I feel that you should write it all out, perhaps a blog, then it could help others.' In my heart I knew he was right, I know that 'this' is happening for a reason. I can stay fearful and dutifully take my medication; without any guarantee that the underlying cause or the lessons I need to learn will be revealed or healed.

For many years I have believed in the theory that our body will mirror the imbalances of all areas of our life and once recognised provide potential for growth. I also believe that the way western medicine dismisses this is a major limitation to our healing; for it cannot be truly holistic when it frequently treats symptoms rather than causes. The fact that this diagnosis has forced me to be still for yet another 4 weeks is already doing me a huge favour. I am being prevented from taking a job which inevitably would mean returning to a life that clearly my soul, nor my heart desire.

Today when my friend challenged me about simply taking medication and doing nothing much else for my condition he woke me up. It wasn't easy and in my current tired and unwell state I didn't particularly want to hear that I had more work to do. He invited me to get excited about this and see it as an opportunity. Creating the blog is my first step; I'm putting some theories to the test because I have a knowing inside that he is right, perhaps I just wandered off track for a little bit, no blame, no judgment, it is what it is. Let me try to have fun with this! There is more here for me. The answer is writing. The answer is listening. The answer is Trust. So here goes...

2/11/2010 Note: While I was initially told I had Graves disease which is an auto-immune disorder, I now know that my condition was caused by consuming dangerous amounts of Iodine in the soy milk Bonsoy. This condition is expected to be healed in time as my thyroid recovers and the excess iodine leaves my body.

Like The Answer Is Writing? You might also like Inner Beam.