Civilised Life

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote, I blogged about feeling 'like a normal person' after a day of work. Three weeks later things are looking alot differently to how they have in the past 11 months, actually my life looks differently than ever before.

A number of significant things have happened in the last few weeks, I was offered some casual work as a research assistant with a University, my bf and I decided to get a puppy (his name is Oscar) and I have been spending many days living like 'a normal person', sometimes even feeling it!

My boy Oscar

My work requires travel on some days while others I can work from home, it's flexible and ideal for me right now, because it's difficult to know how I will feel on any given day or sometimes from hour to hour. Any nerves that may have arisen around being able to complete a 'proper job' have not come up in this situation because I don't have to 'be' somewhere for any extended period of time. This makes it much easier as I am very capable of getting things done as long as I can walk to the beat of my own drum. If it means that I work funny hours I don't mind, I have loads of determination and employ the approach of working smarter rather than harder in order to manage my energy levels.

I have learned that determination alone is not enough to get things done. I have always had plenty of determination once I set my mind to something, but sometimes it can turn into perfectionism, which leads to overworking and consequently stress. Having a serious chronic illness taught me that determination alone will not get you far if your body is out of sorts, however being gentle with your Self and learning your limitations combined with determination can be a powerful.

I am much more aware of my self, my body, emotions and thoughts these days. However busyness and activity provide temptation for me to move further from awareness and into unconscious doing. This is an ongoing issue I struggle with so I place great importance on observing how busyness creeps into my life.

An indigenous friend of mine who used to visit me at my old work place where I was a social worker called this crazy busy pace that many city dwellers (and others) keep up 'uncivilised'. He was a member of the stolen generation and had been called uncivilised many a time, unfortunately his people still get that alot today. He sees the uncivilsation in people who are chasing their tails, completely out of touch with what's really important to them and living in an unconscious whir. This lack of consciousness he would explain to me led to the need to fill a void in their lives- with food, clothes and bigger better cars, houses etc. This way of living is synonomous with doing extreme damage to our natural environment and resources. I liked the way he taught me to know what is real; I treasured his visits and he was one of the few people who could help me to make sense of things, with his visits I experienced a sense of calm because I enjoyed being in the company of someone with such a big heart and so wise- thanks Den.

Clearly his message has stuck with me, when he would talk to me of such things I would agree and feel somewhat helpless to escape from the uncivilised behaviour, but now I feel empowered to keep my eye on things and to maintain control in my own life to ensure I don't allow myself to feel 'trapped' ever again.

Is 'I don't know' the new black?

So I decided it's about time I blogged, apart from the fact that I feel like writing, I also think it's about time I did. I have been out wandering in my local suburb, enjoying the sun, stopping for a bit to eat and feeling increasingly inspired. As I sat at lunch, on my own, which funnily enough has become one of my favourite things to do; I observed two women sharing some documents that had patches of colour on them. They appeared to be doing some kind of creative business, they also seemed to be friends. I liked how it looked, two creative women having a really good time and doing business. I observed something inside saying 'I want some of that', I also recognised that it's something I have experienced before. I like how it used to feel, spending time with a friend/colleague sharing ideas and inspiration, I like how it feels when I think about it being a part of my future.

Perhaps my opening paragraph seems general or a little vague, but that's ok, right? It's ok to sometimes just sit with thoughts, feelings and impressions without having to summise or make conclusions. This is one of the ways we can allow things to unfold organically, rather than forcing, pushing, over thinking. This is exactly how my blog posts are written, it's why I often begin with a pretty vague and open paragraph, because I really have little clue what I'm going to write, I just let it flow and at the end I am often surprised at what I've written. I usually think, oh ok, not what I thought I might write, but obviously what I needed to. I think they call it automatic writing. I've been practising this 'allowing' lately, just allowing myself to experience things as they are, to do a little research and then just sit with it, go with the flow. All of this is about how the next little while is going to unfold for me and the direction I'll take when it comes to work, to life. I'm starting from scratch, I've recently moved to a new suburb, I have no job and my health is not yet strong enough for me to look for work. What am I to do but dream a little?

I don't have any definitive answers to the question posed by others which is something like 'what now?' or 'what will you do for work?'. I'm glad to only have ideas though, rather than being freaked out by the unknown I am truly embracing it. Consequently others might be a little freaked themselves. I recognise that they themselves would be worried if they were in my situation, but what they don't know is that this is how I roll...or at least how I'd like to. It's sort of hard to explain this to someone who's never really contemplated this type of an aproach to their future.

I have some visions and impressions of how things could be, they're developing as I write- as I stroll in the sun and as I speak to inspired people. I have ideas on how I'll make my visions become reality, but I'm in the brainstorming phase right now, and we can't rush a creative process. My intention since I've been unwell is that my life will never be the same again, that things won't look or be the same. It's no surprise that a creative process is essential to support my intentions to come into fruition.

I won't deny that it would be nice to give a confident and concrete answer when the question of 'what are you going to do?' is posed because that would make things easy in the moment the question is asked. But it would also mean disregarding my wise one and disappointing my heart, consequently dampening my Inner Beam; which in the long run just creates sickness and misery. So I think that 'I don't know' just became the new black, and we all know that black can be dressed up or down depending on the occasion.

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The beginnings of my journey with meditation

I'm no stranger to meditation, I used to do it every week at Yoga. I loved it, it was guided meditation so I wasn't really left to wander, my teacher's voice and guidance kept me on track. However I would only meditate once a week, very rarely would I practice on my own. In recent months I have been sporadically listening to a guided meditation on my ipod; it goes for about 45 minutes and I found that after the first few times of listening my mind was complaining 'this is so predictable' and my mind would then wander off, bored with listening to the same thing.

In the last month I feel as if I have been bombarded with suggestions to meditate. Yeah yeah I thought, good idea, intellectually I'm all over it. I have read the statistics, understood the psychology of meditation etc. As I've mentioned before, if I had $1000 for every time someone suggested I meditate I could afford a really amazing trip to Europe, greek islands included! The hassling started to wear me down and my wise one inside was asking why I wasn't listening. I did not have a good excuse. I wanted to be able to proudly state that I do meditate whenever someone suggests it, so I started.

My boyfriend's been doing a mindfulness course through work and has noticed that his daily meditation practice has brought about some very positive changes. I must say I have noticed too, he seems more positive and relaxed and I am enjoying the benefits of that. He's not usually someone to go on about things, he can be a man of few words, so when he started banging on about mindfulness I was surprised. I was quietly pleased that he had become so passionate about something as healthy as mindfulness and that I was not the only one in the relationship that would talk alot about a particular topic. At first it was ok, all the talk about meditation, but as he continued to ask if I was practising the meditation and I continued to feel like a school girl who was repeatedly turning up without her homework, I didn't like it. But the wise one inside of me was telling me to listen and would not allow me to tell him to shut up.

So every day for the past 10 days I have meditated, just by sitting still and focussing on my breathing, when thoughts come I return to my breath and let them pass. Sometimes the thoughts keep coming, often actually. On my third day I went into a beautiful peaceful space for part of the meditation and heard a voice inside saying 'ahhh, this is what it's all about'. That experience helped me to feel motivated to continue.

Aside from the peaceful experience whilst meditating I also noticed something else had changed; my mood. On my fifth day of meditation I noticed how happy and content I felt. It was so noticeably different because the usual feelings of anxiety that arise within were nowhere to be seen. It is a common symptom of hyperthyroidism to experience anxiety, in fact, if left untreated people can become psychotic. It happens because everything in the body is working too hard, the heart is beating faster and too much adrenaline is released into the body. Sometimes the feelings of anxiety are really hard to bear, and often the anxiety can lead to increased fatigue.However, something has changed recently and I am now feeling much more relaxed, I haven't noticed anxiety like I used to. I feel at peace with where I am and how I am. Worries about my health and future don't buzz around in my head and body like they were. I can honestly say that I have had times during the past few days where I have felt more relaxed and happy than I can remember in a very long time. I can just be lying on the couch watching television and notice these positive feelings and feel gratitude for how good I feel.

My circumstances haven't changed much in the last 6 weeks; I still have an overactive thyroid, I am still unsure what has caused it and when I will be well, I am still tired alot of the time, I still have low energy and I am still staying with my parents in the country instead of living life in Melbourne with friends and my partner.
However, the way I feel about all of this has changed, I no longer look to the future with fear. I can accept what might be without stressing over it, but I am also having positive thoughts and ideas for what I will be doing in coming months. These ideas make me feel excited and hopeful; while I still hold in my awareness that there's a possibility my plans will be delayed because of my health. It's not about disregarding reality or potential issues, it's about focussing more on the light than the dark and having the faith that I can do it, that I can manage this and I will be ok. I am not giving up and I am doing all that I can to support my healing. I am choosing to accept what is, whilst choosing sunny thoughts that help me to feel good in the now. There's no tomorrow, there's no yesterday, the time is always NOW.

More grey than blue..practicing acceptance

I recently wrote a post about arriving in struggle town. It was about how crappy I was feeling. Interestingly the post took a positive turn as I explored things other than how poorly I felt. It took me to places I did not know I'd go; discussions of a future trip to France and my memories of how I came to fall in love with all things French.

Today I am also spending the day in somewhere like Struggle Town. A couple of things have happened that didn't feel great, or just a little uncomfortable. In my already unwell state the skies seemed to be more grey than blue today. I was nearly not going to write; why would you spread misery Sarah? I asked myself, how about today you just lie in bed and keep quiet?

Then I remembered my commitment to welcoming all that I experience, the good the bad and the ugly. Theoretically it's true, just that when I considered not writing I was really judging how I am negatively. Today feels something like 'bad' and I decided it was consequently 'ugly' and therefore I wouldn't be writing on my blog and exposing the ugliness. I like pretty nice things, blue skies, sunshine and butterflies.

It's a whole lot of judgment I placed upon myself on how I am in this very moment. I told myself not to write unless I had something positive to say; I couldn't be sure that I would. I find that I always want to put a positive spin on things, probably more for the sake of others than myself. This led me to decide that I wanted to honour the seemingly bad and ugly; because hiding this is to hide a part of my experience. I wouldn't expect others to hold back on the less pleasant aspects of their lives. I really like Ghandi's 'Be the change you wish to see in the world'. Today I am.

I want to see people being honest about it all. I want for people who don't feel well to be able to say it, experience it and not run away from it. Speaking of running away, you should have seen what I did last night! It was certainly not the first time I did it, but it was the first time that my own awareness caught me. I was feeling something, really feeling. I was really missing my boyfriend. It hurt. I picked up my phone and sent a text, then I picked up the computer and logged on to all my communication gadgets- facebook, twitter etc. I just wanted to escape the feeling, I hated feeling it and I knew I could distract myself. I managed to temporarily avoid the uncomfortable emotion; whilst also acknowledging what I was doing. I chose to go ahead with my plan to distract, because I wasn't sure what else to do, but I saw how I ran away from feeling. Awareness is the first step, it is key.

So I guess today the moral of my story is not to run away, not to hide. Be real and authentic and try not to be afraid of what it might look or sound like. I am now going to publish this post and do my best to accept it as it is; a day in struggletown, not much fun but not 'bad' or 'ugly. It is what it is on this very day. I choose acceptance.