Monday, July 18, 2011

Me V Me

Tonight I've been in battle, the part of me who wants to forget about everything and drift into peaceful sleep and the part that's calling for an opportunity to express herself. The latter has been calling for some time, and she has also been ignored. She wins tonight, because I was hearing a blog post being written in my head. That's not terribly comfortable or conducive to getting to sleep.

The me who wanted to express and to write also requested a bowl of muesli, her needs for food and expression are both being satiated right now.

Today was a kind of significant occasion. Today I walked down memory lane. I went job seeking, I went to a recruitment company that I'd had contact with before. Last year when I had contact with them I felt pretty awful, but also felt like I needed to get on with my life and that perhaps if I just took steps forward into work I would feel better. Nearly a year ago I was in the recruiter's office for an interview and I missed a call from my GP's office. When I returned the call I was asked to go into the clinic straight away because they'd found something in my blood tests. Anxiety coursed through my veins, I freaked out big time. I texted my Mum warning her that I was on my way to the GP and might need some support after the appointment. I didn't know what they might have found but I kept thinking it could be cancer or something equally awful. After all it would make sense that it was something awful, because I felt like a seriously ill person.

As it turned out I was seriously ill, not with cancer, with something very treatable, a thyroid condition. When my Dr told me, I was both relieved and confused. How had I come to have an overactive thyroid I'd wondered. I also started to wonder what the thyroid did, because I'd never given it any thought before now. I figured it must be capable of doing alot, seeing as it had made me so awfully sick.

So that's what happened last time I left this recruiter's office, today I am gladly reporting no such thing occurred. But it was a time for reflection, I noticed that today when I walked in through those doors of the big city building that I felt a strength I hadn't had last year, one that I'd had to fake last year. I realised how far I'd come and how much had changed since that day. When I walked into the building nearly a year ago I'd believed I was just struggling with a bit of depression (even though symptoms said otherwise), I was employing all of the determination I could to act strong, be brave and 'overcome' my difficulties, I had a will of steel.

Today I took a moment to feel gratitude for being in a very different position, one that places me alot more 'in the know'. I know what was wrong, I know now that I am well on the road to recovery, towards full health and that it's safe to be applying for jobs. I might not feel so flash, but I think this time around it's a combination of general tiredness and feeling the effects of winter..and the effects of stepping back into 'the real world' after being sidelined for a year. I wouldn't blame you for imagining it's just awesome and that I'd be celebrating feeling better and being able to move on.

Unfortunately it's not so simple, I've got this 'story' I have to tell about why there's a 1 year gap in my resume. It's also a little more difficult as I'm no longer connected to the working community I used to be a part of, so I'm therefore an 'unknown' as a result of a geographical move. My confidence in what my body can cope with is not great; I know that it's more than likely that I will have times that I will struggle to find the energy for work. For a while work might be all I can do and the rest of my time might be taken up by recovery and sleep. Illness has changed me on all levels- mental, emotional, spiritual and physical; I am the same, yet so different. It's hard to know quite what that means; the only way to find out is to get back into things. It's daunting not knowing what it's going to be like to be the Sarah I am post illness. I can guarantee it won't be the same. I know there are things I need to consciously change, in relation to how I look at things and how I take care of myself; because they will be protective of my health into the future.

I'm in nervous anticipation of discovering this, trusting that I will cope, facing the issues that come with ongoing recovery/return to full health and dealing with the financial effects of long term unemployment. It's not always easy to see the bright side, but today I was truly grateful for being in a very different position to that of 1 year ago as I walked through the recruiters doors.


  1. Hi Sarah

    I love this! To me this is a reminder that our greatest milestones are the internal ones and they need to be acknowledged.
    I left the world of the CV a long time ago ~ there was just too much I wanted to do with my life that simply could not be wrapped up as great "career choices". At the end of the day, who do you want to impress? Yourself!! I'm very proud of my crazy life-path - as my sister says it's like "taking a line for a walk!"
    Be proud of your unique life-path, & your unique expression of life. That's how your light shines through! To do anything else just bocks the light.

    Lots of love & light!


  2. Hey sarah!
    WOW! I hear you sister, Im back too as of this week, back to being a practitioner again, after the biggest dark night of the soul. I feel you.
    I reactivated my kiflow blog, just this week, it all feeling right but very strange.
    be well and BIG love siSTAR x

  3. Your blog got me thinking. I have been alone in my house all day. I am sort of low in spirit and I was sitting here can I recharge my batteries in regards to work life.

    I have been on LWP for just over 3mths now, and the closer I get to my planned return to work date I feel depleted of energy. I have an energy illness which interrupts my life from time to time but...right now I want to keep the sunshine in my head, not be bogged down by dreary thoughts of work. Peculiar really...I am good at my job, I am a nurse but I come home and my energy is completely gone. I need to rest. I have to look at our financial situation. I'm not a natural hermit...but when I'm a bit lost I tend to become a loner...I don't want to feel that aloneness again What should I do?

    Your article was lovely to read thanks x

  4. Thanks so much Renee & Louise for your comments, I can feel both of your positive energy from your words. I love that you don't require a CV anymore Louise, it intrigues and inspires me!
    Ren I am so excited that you're back into Ki Flow! You're an amazing practitioner & your classes still remain my most favourite ever (nothing compares). Power to you sista x

  5. Dear anonymous, thanks for reaching out. It sounds like you're in a really urghk place at this time. I totally hear you about feeling increasingly depleted about returning to work, that's one reason why I knew I had to quit my work...because it wasn't conducive to my healing, it was only going to exacerbate things.

    Being a nurse is a very demanding job and even though you're good at it it doesn't neccessarily mean it's your true love or passion. In my belief when we are neglecting to listen to our 'truth' the, truth of what we love and are truly wishing to do with our days, we get sick, sidelined and forced into 'taking stock'.

    As I know so little about your situation I can't offer any real advice, other than to reach out, find someone (a psychologist, counsellor, GP, natural therapist or friend) who really understands where you're at, it's so important not to feel alone & to have someone to share your worries with.

    I think you might also like my other blog,; it's focussed on helping people who are dealing with chronic illness.

    I do offer consultations to help you gain some clarity & find Hope via skype or in person in Melbourne, so you can e-mail if interested in that.

    Please do stay in touch.


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