Monday, September 6, 2010

More grey than blue..practicing acceptance

I recently wrote a post about arriving in struggle town. It was about how crappy I was feeling. Interestingly the post took a positive turn as I explored things other than how poorly I felt. It took me to places I did not know I'd go; discussions of a future trip to France and my memories of how I came to fall in love with all things French.

Today I am also spending the day in somewhere like Struggle Town. A couple of things have happened that didn't feel great, or just a little uncomfortable. In my already unwell state the skies seemed to be more grey than blue today. I was nearly not going to write; why would you spread misery Sarah? I asked myself, how about today you just lie in bed and keep quiet?

Then I remembered my commitment to welcoming all that I experience, the good the bad and the ugly. Theoretically it's true, just that when I considered not writing I was really judging how I am negatively. Today feels something like 'bad' and I decided it was consequently 'ugly' and therefore I wouldn't be writing on my blog and exposing the ugliness. I like pretty nice things, blue skies, sunshine and butterflies.

It's a whole lot of judgment I placed upon myself on how I am in this very moment. I told myself not to write unless I had something positive to say; I couldn't be sure that I would. I find that I always want to put a positive spin on things, probably more for the sake of others than myself. This led me to decide that I wanted to honour the seemingly bad and ugly; because hiding this is to hide a part of my experience. I wouldn't expect others to hold back on the less pleasant aspects of their lives. I really like Ghandi's 'Be the change you wish to see in the world'. Today I am.

I want to see people being honest about it all. I want for people who don't feel well to be able to say it, experience it and not run away from it. Speaking of running away, you should have seen what I did last night! It was certainly not the first time I did it, but it was the first time that my own awareness caught me. I was feeling something, really feeling. I was really missing my boyfriend. It hurt. I picked up my phone and sent a text, then I picked up the computer and logged on to all my communication gadgets- facebook, twitter etc. I just wanted to escape the feeling, I hated feeling it and I knew I could distract myself. I managed to temporarily avoid the uncomfortable emotion; whilst also acknowledging what I was doing. I chose to go ahead with my plan to distract, because I wasn't sure what else to do, but I saw how I ran away from feeling. Awareness is the first step, it is key.

So I guess today the moral of my story is not to run away, not to hide. Be real and authentic and try not to be afraid of what it might look or sound like. I am now going to publish this post and do my best to accept it as it is; a day in struggletown, not much fun but not 'bad' or 'ugly. It is what it is on this very day. I choose acceptance.

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